IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Despite health warning, a large number of people continue to smoke all over the world. why should we be concerned about this? what solution would you suggest? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#health #people #smoke #world #reason
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Many people around the world still continuously smoke even if they know that
this
 habit will provide them with health problems in the future. In
this
 essay, reasons why we still need to be wary of smoking and solutions to tackle
this
 issue will be outlined before reaching a conclusion. On the
one
 hand, there are several reasons why we need to be concerned about smoking
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
, and the most crucial
one
 is
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 effects on society. To elaborate
further
, the new generation can look those smokers up as a role model.
Moreover
, in some areas where smoking is forbidden, we can notice that there is a lot of haze caused by
this
 action.
For instance
, when I visited Japan
last
 year, there were many areas that allowed individuals to smoke freely and all sights were obscured by haze.
Besides
, I heard
one
 of the children who was walking past said he wanted to try to smoke.
On the other hand
, from my point of view, authorities should take action on
this
 issue and
one
 of the essential solutions in my opinion is to impose restrictions. What
this
 means is the government needs to stop retail shops from selling cigars.
Furthermore
, they need to set
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
measures
such
 as fining those smokers and rewarding individuals who report to the authorities. An apt illustration is in Thailand, when we see someone who smokes on the streets, we can call an emergency line and report
as well as
 take pictures of smokers and send it to them via email.
As a result
, authorities will send us prizes
such
 as promo codes for shopping, money, etc.
Overall
, it is undeniable that citizens in many countries still have a habit of smoking and it leads to negative effects that we need to be wary of.
Therefore
, the states should come and strictly tackle
this
 problem.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
To further enhance your essay, consider providing more detailed and varied arguments to support your points. For instance, besides societal effects, discussing economic implications and healthcare costs associated with smoking would add depth to your essay.
task achievement
Work on diversifying your vocabulary and sentence structures. This can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that every paragraph maintains a clear connection to the central argument. Sometimes, additional explanations or transitional phrases can help in maintaining logical cohesion.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames the argument well.
relevant specific examples
The use of relevant examples, such as the one from Japan and Thailand, effectively illustrates your points.
complete response
The essay addresses the task completely, discussing both the reasons we should be concerned about smoking and possible solutions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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