IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #success #work #determination #connection #money #appearance
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In the modern days, whether
success
 depends on effort or the power of wealth and appearance is a controversial discussion point.
This
 essay firmly believes that it is beneficial for a human to become successful based on their determination and the wide range of
experience
, despite those who think that money and beauty turn into the priority to achieve
success
. It is vital to acknowledge that perseverance is one of the fundamental factors to gain
success
 in the future.
In other words
, motivation can help
people
 try to continually
work
 without any boredom or depression.
In addition
, if
people
 had no interest in doing that occupation or following
work
 that was not their dream, it would be useless and meaningless to constantly do
due to
 no willpower.
As a result
,
success
 will be easier to achieve if they have a strong determination to follow their target. Take Jeff Bezos as a pertinent example, who has become a billionaire recently from the
success
 of the publication of a shopping website, called Amazon through his extreme tenacity of goal to help
people
 in doing shopping worldwide. Some critics,
nevertheless
, presume that
success
’s accomplishment is based on the power of fortune and individual appearance. They believe that with the perfect combination of money and appearance,
people
 can easily accomplish
success
 aims,
such
 as being richer or having a higher position in the societies by attracting wealthy
people
 to invest or becoming beautiful idols.
This
 point has credibility, yet those factors are more likely to be showing off the poor by using money borrowing to appeal to more
people
.
Furthermore
, they appear materialistically, making it look like have a lot of fortune,
whereas
 owning none of the valuable belongings.
Thus
, it is not difficult to understand why more and more
people
 look down on those who show their wealth and personal beauty. From
this
 writer’s perspective, practical
experience
 is the essence of accomplishing
success
 in complicated communities.
This
 is because
success
 is set up by the amount of knowledge and skills that they gain when they
work
 or study.
According to
 scientific research, the majority of successful
people
 globally are
due to
 the wide range of
experience
 they have.
For
this
 reason, the best and earliest way to reach
success
 is to make efforts to broaden horizons and real-world mindset through studiousness and hard
work
. American
people
 are prime examples, where nearly 90% of successful businessmen have come up with many innovative and creative initiatives that were based on what
experience
 they had in the past.
Hence
,
this
 essay has shown that the determinants that impact
upon
Change preposition
apply
show examples
success
 are how determination is fierce and opens up their mind.
Therefore
, it should have been demonstrated that they are more
favorable
Change the spelling
favourable
show examples
 than any other materialistic outlook.
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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured and covers both views comprehensively. However, there are some areas that could be improved for clarity and coherence, such as ensuring each paragraph has a clear main idea and revising some sentences for clarity.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, work on linking sentences within paragraphs more effectively. Using more linking words and phrases could improve the flow of your essay. Also, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your discussion well. This makes your arguments more compelling and easier to follow.
task achievement
You provide relevant and specific examples to support your points, such as the mention of Jeff Bezos and American businessmen. This strengthens your arguments and makes your essay more persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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