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Band 4.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #development
Presently, using of innovative devices can
illustrates
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illustrate
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 to
behaviors
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behaviours
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 or actions of
people
 worldwide. highly because almost
areas
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all areas
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 have
ability
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the ability
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 to access
through
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apply
show examples
a
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apply
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technology
such
 as via
in
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apply
show examples
social media
platform
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platforms
show examples
.
This
 affects both drawbacks and benefits, which will be discussed in
this
 essay before the conclusion is reached. The disadvantage of
this
 circumstance is that
people
 can utilize the technological devices in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 wrong way.
For example
, some
people
 are capable of commenting some negative thoughts to others, leading to
hurt
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hurting
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people
who
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whom
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 they
do
Wrong verb form
did
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 not even realize or know before.
Moreover
, many
people
takes
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take
show examples
 bad words from users and
being
Verb problem
become
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 depressed eventually. The one of advantages is that online
accessing
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access
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 can be a good device
as
Correct word choice
and
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 if who do the right thing, it would
be
Verb problem
have
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 beneficial effects
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 them.
For instance
, who aims the poor from economic or financial problems
such
 as donating
pernonal
Correct your spelling
personal
 money or even
contruction
Correct your spelling
construction
new
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of new
show examples
 houses
to
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for
show examples
 them, and the result is that they can obtain well-being lives and have a better opportunity to find their own jobs.
Therefore
,
giver
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the giver
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 can be a
reputative
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reputation
repetitive
 person not only in online
platform
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platforms
show examples
,
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apply
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 but
also
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
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 real world.
Moreover
, receivers receive
incomes
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income
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, chances, and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
emotionally good feelings from receiving. Another benefit is to determine
on
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apply
show examples
humans' actions
whether
Correct word choice
and whether
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 they do a suitable
behavior
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behaviour
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 or not.
In other words
,
people
 will have more awareness
on
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of
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 their own actions since it can easily
display
Wrong verb form
be displayed
show examples
 to many
people
. In my view, it can be concluded that utilizing a technologically developed tool has more advantages than drawbacks. By the way, all users have to scrutinize carefully before
put
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putting
show examples
 any data
to
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into
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online
Correct article usage
an online
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 pathway as it can be sent to every
places
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place
show examples
 and
channels
Fix the agreement mistake
channel
show examples
.
Submitted by arunrak.wk on

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task achievement
Ensure that your essay directly and clearly answers all parts of the question. For example, you should provide specific arguments for both advantages and disadvantages before concluding which outweighs the other.
task achievement
Develop your main points with more specific and relevant examples. This will make your arguments stronger and more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Improve your overall essay structure by ensuring each paragraph focuses on a single main idea and is clearly connected to the overall argument. This will enhance your logical coherence.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases effectively to improve the flow of your essay. This will help the reader understand the progression of your ideas more easily.
task achievement
You present both advantages and disadvantages of technology use, which shows a balanced view on the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and serve their basic purposes, which contributes to a complete essay structure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • invasion of privacy
  • security
  • monitoring systems
  • misuse
  • criminal activities
  • productivity
  • psychological impact
  • data protection
  • workplace policies
What to do next:
Look at other essays: