SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION AND IN COMPUTER GAMES HAS A DAMAGING EFFECT ON THE SOCIETY. OTHERS DENY THAT THESE FACTORS HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOUR. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ?

Some would argue that roughness on the
TV
and in
video
games
has negative impacts on the community,
while
others believe that the effects of these elements are minor on the individuals'
treatment
.
However
,
adults
know that harshness on
TV
shows and in
video
games
is just amusement and governments set restrictions for doing that, I believe that it can affect the younger generation's
treatment
badly. On the one hand,
action
movies and
video
games
are provided for entertainment. Many people particularly
adults
watch
action
films and play
video
games
for fun and they know that doing these
kinds
of
activities
in real life not only is harmful to them but
also
damages society.
In addition
, governments have equipped modern facilities to reduce these types of
activities
.
For instance
, in the UK police control all streets through CCTV to prevent aggressive
activities
. I believe that these
kinds
of shows on
TV
and in
video
games
have a negative impact on
children
's behaviour.
On the other hand
, the younger generation plays
video
games
regularly and the majority of them have an
action
genre and
this
genre is thought to have a gloomy influence on the community. There is no doubt that people's personality is formed during childhood, and if
children
play these
kinds
of
games
, they will treated aggressively in adulthood.
In addition
, numerous
children
do some dangerous
activities
which they see on
TV
shows and do in
video
games
outdoors and struggle with others in order to release their pent-up energy.
For example
, in the US, teenagers struggle with each other and like to do some acts the same as wrestling
TV
shows.
However
, I believe that awareness of
adults
and restrictions by governments are not enough, these shows and
video
games
have serious and negative impacts on youngsters and their
treatment
. In conclusion,
although
some people believe that the
action
genre has a minor impact on society because
adults
know that these shows and
video
games
are provided for pastime and authorities ban doing these
kinds
of
activities
in real life, it can affect
children
's behaviour and their
treatment
in society.
Submitted by hadadianmohamadhossein on

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance and maintains it throughout, which is excellent for Task Achievement. However, try to address the counter-arguments more thoroughly to demonstrate a comprehensive discussion.
Task Achievement
Ensure clarity in your ideas by refining some sentences for better readability. For example, 'They will treated aggressively in adulthood' should be 'They will treat others aggressively in adulthood.'
Task Achievement
Strengthen your points with more specific examples or evidence. This is particularly important for your claims about the impact on younger generations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but transitional phrases could be improved for better flow. Words like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Finally' can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Although your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, ensure that they directly reflect the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your main points are generally well-supported, but they could be strengthened with more detailed explanations or additional evidence. This will also help improve the overall cohesiveness of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good framework for your essay, which is very effective.
Task Achievement
You effectively maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay, which is crucial for Task Achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Desensitization
  • Normalization
  • Psychological impact
  • Fear and anxiety
  • Parental control
  • Moderating
  • Fictional vs. real-world violence
  • Counterarguments
  • Correlation
  • Environmental influences
  • Social messages
  • Stress relief
  • Safe outlet
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