IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION AND IN COMPUTER GAMES HAS A DAMAGING EFFECT ON THE SOCIETY. OTHERS DENY THAT THESE FACTORS HAVE ANY SIGNIFICANT INFLUENCE ON PEOPLE’S BEHAVIOUR. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #people’s #behaviour
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some would argue that roughness on the
TV
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 and in
video
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games
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 has negative impacts on the community,
while
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 others believe that the effects of these elements are minor on the individuals'
treatment
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.
However
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,
adults
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 know that harshness on
TV
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 shows and in
video
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games
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 is just amusement and governments set restrictions for doing that, I believe that it can affect the younger generation's
treatment
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 badly. On the one hand,
action
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 movies and
video
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games
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 are provided for entertainment. Many people particularly
adults
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 watch
action
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 films and play
video
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games
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 for fun and they know that doing these
kinds
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 of
activities
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 in real life not only is harmful to them but
also
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 damages society.
In addition
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, governments have equipped modern facilities to reduce these types of
activities
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.
For instance
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, in the UK police control all streets through CCTV to prevent aggressive
activities
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 . I believe that these
kinds
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 of shows on
TV
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 and in
video
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games
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 have a negative impact on
children
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's behaviour.
On the other hand
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, the younger generation plays
video
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games
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 regularly and the majority of them have an
action
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 genre and
this
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 genre is thought to have a gloomy influence on the community. There is no doubt that people's personality is formed during childhood, and if
children
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 play these
kinds
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 of
games
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, they will treated aggressively in adulthood.
In addition
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, numerous
children
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 do some dangerous
activities
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 which they see on
TV
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 shows and do in
video
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games
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 outdoors and struggle with others in order to release their pent-up energy.
For example
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, in the US, teenagers struggle with each other and like to do some acts the same as wrestling
TV
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 shows.
However
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, I believe that awareness of
adults
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 and restrictions by governments are not enough, these shows and
video
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games
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 have serious and negative impacts on youngsters and their
treatment
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. In conclusion,
although
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 some people believe that the
action
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 genre has a minor impact on society because
adults
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 know that these shows and
video
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games
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 are provided for pastime and authorities ban doing these
kinds
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 of
activities
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 in real life, it can affect
children
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's behaviour and their
treatment
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 in society.
Submitted by hadadianmohamadhossein on

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Task Achievement
Your essay presents a clear stance and maintains it throughout, which is excellent for Task Achievement. However, try to address the counter-arguments more thoroughly to demonstrate a comprehensive discussion.
Task Achievement
Ensure clarity in your ideas by refining some sentences for better readability. For example, 'They will treated aggressively in adulthood' should be 'They will treat others aggressively in adulthood.'
Task Achievement
Strengthen your points with more specific examples or evidence. This is particularly important for your claims about the impact on younger generations.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, but transitional phrases could be improved for better flow. Words like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' and 'Finally' can help guide the reader through your argument more smoothly.
Coherence and Cohesion
Although your introduction and conclusion are well-presented, ensure that they directly reflect the main points discussed in the body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your main points are generally well-supported, but they could be strengthened with more detailed explanations or additional evidence. This will also help improve the overall cohesiveness of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good framework for your essay, which is very effective.
Task Achievement
You effectively maintain a consistent stance throughout the essay, which is crucial for Task Achievement.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Desensitization
  • Normalization
  • Psychological impact
  • Fear and anxiety
  • Parental control
  • Moderating
  • Fictional vs. real-world violence
  • Counterarguments
  • Correlation
  • Environmental influences
  • Social messages
  • Stress relief
  • Safe outlet
What to do next:
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