IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people feel that the legal age at which people can marry should be at least 21. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent times, a bill has been passed emphasizing that only individuals of 21 years and above can get married. Citizens of developed countries are in full support,
whereas
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 developing nations are strongly against the law.
This
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 essay completely agrees with the stance of the advanced regions. I believe that in a society where marriage is deemed illegal for those under 21, detrimental issues
such
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 as child-bearing deaths are reduced, and mental health problems are avoided.
To begin
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 with, from the female perspective, many young girls who are forced into matrimony have died
due to
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 childbirth. It is scientifically proven that a woman's body is not fully developed until the age of 25, as she has not produced enough hormones like oxytocin to make contractions less risky.
For example
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, in the northern part of Nigeria, many girls around the age of 18 are given off by their parents for child marriage. When they get pregnant, they often die because of excessive bleeding during childbirth.
Furthermore
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, as for the males, boys who begin a family at an early stage in life are more likely to develop
behavioral
Change the spelling
behavioural
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 disorders
such
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 as depression or anger, mainly because of the burden placed on them.
For instance
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, in the matrimonial home, men are expected to bear the finances, make decisions, and take on many other responsibilities.
This
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 can be too much to place on an adolescent's shoulders, potentially leading to mental health issues.
To conclude
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, I wholeheartedly commend the idea of the governing bodies abolishing any nuptials between underage people.
This
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 approach not only ensures the safety of young girls but
also
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 allows young men to pursue other activities that improve their mental well-being.

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task achievement
The essay responds fully to the prompt by arguing in favor of the legal age of 21 for marriage and provides valid reasons. However, some points need further elaboration for clarity and depth, especially concerning mental health issues.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support the arguments. For instance, citing specific studies on child-bearing deaths and mental health impacts would strengthen the arguments presented.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, transitions between paragraphs and ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph develops a single, clear point and uses transition words effectively to guide the reader through the argument.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the main argument and stance of the essay, providing a solid foundation for the discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and reiterates the essay's main position.
task achievement
Relevant and specific examples related to child marriage and its consequences in Nigeria help to ground the argument in real-world issues.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Legal age
  • Marriage
  • Maturity
  • Stability
  • Individual choice
  • Freedom
  • Cultural practices
  • Religious practices
  • Education
  • Career aspirations
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