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Band 4.5

Some people think that the government is wasting money on the arts and this money could be better spent elsewhere. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Check your essay on this topic Generate a band-9 sample with your idea

#people #government #money #arts #check #topic #band- #sample #idea
The
money
 that Governments invest in
art
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is wasted
money
 for some people, they think that it should be invested in something different, I disagree with
such
statement
Correct article usage
a statement
show examples
,
art
 is one of the most
paceful
Correct your spelling
peaceful
 and harmless activities that
cityzens
Correct your spelling
cities
 could do, and it
express
Change the verb form
expresses
show examples
 not only the ideas and feelings from an individual but the level of education of a city or even a country. Whit that in mind, it is important to Governments keep the
art
 budget
,
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apply
show examples
 but look into the way
this
money
 is
been
Wrong verb form
being
show examples
spend
Change the form of the verb
spent
show examples
, many times the corruption
involve
Change the form of the verb
involved
show examples
 in the process
change
Correct subject-verb agreement
changes
show examples
 the feat of the investments,
furthermore
Add a comma
furthermore,
show examples
this
spends
Replace the word
spending
show examples
 should follow the lead of a big plan previously created in order to reach the government vision.
In addition
, a good portion of
this
 budget must be
investet
Correct your spelling
invested
 in
art
 education,
this
 way a
big
Correct word choice
large
show examples
 percentage of the citizens become aware of the
magnificient
Correct your spelling
magnificent
 role that
art
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been
ejectuted
Correct your spelling
ejected
executed
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human history, and
as a result
 bring the deserved value to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
local
art
development
.
In
contrast
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contrast,
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 some people think that there are so many issues in a city to be
adressed
Correct your spelling
addressed
 rather than the
art
development
,
such
 as health
an
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 security, but if you
nuckle
Correct your spelling
knuckle
buckle
 down
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
this
 matter,
art
development
 and everything that
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 people to
self
Add a hyphen
self-development
show examples
development
 and education give a direct impact to enhance security, and the more and better
art
 expressions
avalable
Correct your spelling
available
 to enjoy, the better mint health among the public. To
summarice
Correct your spelling
summarise
summarize
, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 Government´s investment in
art
 is not a waste of
money
,
whereas
 there are many issues in a city to be faced,
art
 is an important part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human
development
,
foster
Wrong verb form
fostering
show examples
art
 in the locals will improve the life-level in a country and
as a result
, better mental health and more security will be present.
Submitted by otiyog on

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coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more clearly. Ensure each paragraph has a single main point and that your essay follows a logical progression from point to point.
task achievement
Clarify points by providing more specific examples and explanations. Instead of making broad statements, back them up with tangible illustrations or data.
language use
Pay attention to grammar and punctuation. Some sentences have minor errors such as 'paceful' instead of 'peaceful,' and 'been spend' instead of 'being spent.' Correcting these will improve comprehensibility and fluency.
task achievement
Your essay covers the key aspects of the topic: importance of art, potential misuse of funds, and the counter-argument regarding other important issues.
structure
The introduction and conclusion effectively set up and close your argument.
content
You bring up intriguing points about the role of art in mental health, security, and education. These points contribute to a well-rounded argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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