An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to olay computer games. Some people say this is a negative development. Discuss and give your opinion.
Many young people are addicted to
play
video Change the verb form
playing
games
that would potentially bring
Verb problem
have
negative
impact Correct article usage
a negative
for
Change preposition
on
the
society. I cannot find any benefit from playing it Correct article usage
apply
therefore
, I strongly agree on
Change preposition
with
this
assumption. This
essay will explain 2 negative aspect
of playing video Change to a plural noun
aspects
games
.
Firstly
, there is social
problem in some countries that young people tend to stay home Add an article
a social
for playing
Change preposition
to play
games
. In Japan, many young adalts
are unemployed, and Correct your spelling
adults
Correct article usage
the numbers
numbers
of social Fix the agreement mistake
number
withdrawal
Fix the agreement mistake
withdrawals
are
increasing Correct subject-verb agreement
is
and
video Correct word choice
apply
games
could be one of the factors caused
Wrong verb form
causing
by
. Needless to say, playing computer Correct pronoun usage
by this
games
long time
is not good
effect Correct article usage
a good
for
their brains and mental health. Change preposition
on
Also
, due to
stay
Change the verb form
staying
indoor
most of the Correct your spelling
indoors
time
and lack of exercises
, Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
it
could be Correct pronoun usage
apply
risk
Add an article
a risk
the risk
of
Change preposition
to
phisical
health. In order to prevent Correct your spelling
physical
from
Change preposition
apply
the
addictions, parents should supervise their Correct article usage
apply
time
of
playing Change preposition
apply
games
since
Change preposition
from
young
Correct article usage
a young
ages
.
Fix the agreement mistake
age
Secondly
, in the worst case could be a trigger of
Change preposition
for
commiting
crimes. Correct your spelling
committing
For example
, playing
battle shooting Change preposition
by playing
games
, they potentially commit murder in real life. Sadly, there was Correct article usage
a muder
muder
case in the past Correct your spelling
murder
that
young guy killed their family members and apparently he addicted Correct determiner usage
a
Change preposition
to violence
violence
Replace the word
violent
games
. When they playing
Wrong verb form
play
games
too
long, they Change preposition
for too
would
Verb problem
get
confuse
and Replace the word
confused
have lost
their Wrong verb form
lose
judgement
. Correct your spelling
judgment
These kind
of Change the determiner
This kind
These kinds
violence
Replace the word
violent
games
possibly make people more aggressive.
To conclude
, playing games
cause
some social problems Replace the word
causes
such
as social withdrawal and commiting
crimes. It Correct your spelling
committing
become
negative Verb problem
has
affects
Correct your spelling
effects
in
their brains, Change preposition
on
mental
and physical health. Of Correct word choice
and mental
course
it is okay to enjoy Add a comma
course,
for
entertainment sometimes, Change preposition
apply
although
they need to limit time
to avoid the addictions.Submitted by arii0113 on
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grammar
Work on sentence structure and grammar to minimize errors such as 'adult' instead of 'adalts' and 'committing' instead of 'commiting'.
lexical
Expand your vocabulary and pay attention to word choice to avoid repetitions and enhance readability.
sentence structure
Improve the variety and complexity of sentence structures to achieve better coherence and make your essay more engaging.
task response
Your essay addresses the topic well and provides relevant examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which aids readability.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.