IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, the final destination of academics is always a concern and argued about how it should be. Certain people hold the view that the ultimate goal of schools produce a good population and workers
instead
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 of bringing advantages to each person. From my point of view, even though becoming a responsible resident is vital to some extent, improving the personality of pupils is more significant. On the one hand, it is obvious that turning teenagers into good citizens is the primary purpose of the institute.
Due to
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 being taught many rules and regulations, pupils know and realize things what they should do or not.
For instance
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, because of learning about the harmful effects of global warming, each person will have responsibility for protecting the environment and natural resources of humans automatically.
Moreover
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, every student will join hands to do good things to bring positive values to everyone.
As a result
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, society will be formed perfectly by good citizens who are educated.
On the other hand
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, it is
also
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 important to focus on children’s improvement.
Instead
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 of studying compulsory subjects which students feel are unnecessary, they should be taught some soft skills or things which are interesting
such
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 as time management and arrangement are some of the most necessary in the importance of
this
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 skill, they will feel more relaxed when learning.
Thus
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, pupils not only manage their time but
also
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 get significant achievements on their path. In conclusion, I partly agree with
this
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 statement. Schools must teach students how to become excellent residents and
also
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 help them develop their own abilities.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured and cohesive. However, consider expanding your examples to provide deeper support for your points. This would elevate the strength of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
When elaborating on points, it’s often helpful to add transitional phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'However' to guide the reader more smoothly through your arguments.
task achievement
While your essay addresses both sides of the argument, it would benefit from more clear and specific examples to support your stance, such as real-life instances or studies.
task achievement
Ensure all ideas are precisely communicated. For example, 'importance of this skill' could be clearer if expressed as 'the importance of time management skills.'
coherence cohesion
Your essay effectively introduces the topic and concludes it in a balanced way, highlighting both sides of the argument without losing focus.
task achievement
You have a clear understanding of the topic and address the prompt from multiple angles, which shows a comprehensive grasp of the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • foundational knowledge
  • career success
  • economic contribution
  • personal development
  • critical thinking
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • balanced education
  • community well-being
  • holistic education
  • academic and personal growth
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