IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it?

#development #media #youngsters #access #internet #trend
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The rapid advancement of technologies
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
inevitably
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to unsupervised underage to
access
Use synonyms
 the
internet
Use synonyms
, especially social media. There are several problems that might occur
such
Linking Words
 as
children
Use synonyms
 accessing false
information
Use synonyms
 and
adult
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 freely.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the solutions should come from both
parents
Use synonyms
 and the
providers
Use synonyms
 to restrict several contents for
children
Use synonyms
. One of the problems of unsupervised underage accessing the
internet
Use synonyms
 is they could receive false news and watch
adult
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
is happen
Wrong verb form
happens
show examples
 because people tend to reshare
information
Use synonyms
 without clarifying the truth.
This
Linking Words
 kind of
information
Use synonyms
 is dangerous for youngsters because hoaxes and
adult
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 could distract
children
Use synonyms
's development.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are not able to supervise their
children
Use synonyms
 all the time and youngsters do not have the ability to differ the inputs yet and believe everything they see.
Consequently
Linking Words
, harmful
content
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as bullying, violence and hoax could affect their mental and habit development.
Due to
Linking Words
 these facts, there should be a preventive way to avoid accessing certain
content
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
providers
Use synonyms
 should work hand-in-hand to prevent
children
Use synonyms
 from accessing harmful
information
Use synonyms
. A possible solution to
this
Linking Words
 problem would be restricting
access
Use synonyms
 to certain
content
Use synonyms
 for underage which should be implemented by
providers
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are many applications,
for instance
Linking Words
, Netflix and Prime Video that provide a family account where the
parents
Use synonyms
 split the account into five sub-accounts
where
Rephrase
apply
show examples
one of
them
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 can be set as a
children
Use synonyms
's account to show only
children
Use synonyms
's genres of movies.
As a result
Linking Words
, though
parents
Use synonyms
 are not able to supervise their
children
Use synonyms
 all the time, they can control what their
children
Use synonyms
 watch.
To conclude
Linking Words
, unsupervised
access
Use synonyms
 to the
internet
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
 causes several potential issues
such
Linking Words
 as
children
Use synonyms
 accessing
adult
Use synonyms
content
Use synonyms
 and hoax
information
Use synonyms
. Obviously, to avoid illegal
content
Use synonyms
access
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
, both
parents
Use synonyms
 and
providers
Use synonyms
 should limit
access
Use synonyms
 to certain websites or apps.
This
Linking Words
 preventive way could be a solution for unsupervised
access
Use synonyms
 to the
internet
Use synonyms
 by
children
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay addresses the key points of the question, but it could benefit from more specific examples to elucidate the points further. For instance, mentioning specific instances where unsupervised internet access has led to problematic behavior or specific measures parents/providers can take would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, improving logical flow between sentences and paragraphs would enhance coherence. Using transition words and ensuring each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next will improve this.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly impact clarity. For instance, 'This is happen because' should be 'This happens because'. Proofreading and possibly rephrasing some sentences would make the essay more polished.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a strong framework for the discussion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the question and are well-supported. The argument about false information and adult content is pertinent and well-elaborated.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: