IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

With the development of social media, more and more youngsters are being allowed unsupervised access to the Internet. What potential problems may this trend lead to? What solutions can you suggest to deal with it?

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The rapid advancement of technologies
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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inevitably
lead
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leads
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 to unsupervised underage to
access
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 the
internet
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, especially social media. There are several problems that might occur
such
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 as
children
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 accessing false
information
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 and
adult
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content
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 freely.
Therefore
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, the solutions should come from both
parents
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 and the
providers
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 to restrict several contents for
children
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. One of the problems of unsupervised underage accessing the
internet
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 is they could receive false news and watch
adult
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content
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.
This
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is happen
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happens
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 because people tend to reshare
information
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 without clarifying the truth.
This
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 kind of
information
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 is dangerous for youngsters because hoaxes and
adult
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content
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 could distract
children
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's development.
Additionally
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,
parents
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 are not able to supervise their
children
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 all the time and youngsters do not have the ability to differ the inputs yet and believe everything they see.
Consequently
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, harmful
content
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such
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 as bullying, violence and hoax could affect their mental and habit development.
Due to
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 these facts, there should be a preventive way to avoid accessing certain
content
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.
Nevertheless
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, both
parents
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 and
providers
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 should work hand-in-hand to prevent
children
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 from accessing harmful
information
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. A possible solution to
this
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 problem would be restricting
access
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 to certain
content
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 for underage which should be implemented by
providers
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.
Moreover
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, there are many applications,
for instance
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, Netflix and Prime Video that provide a family account where the
parents
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 split the account into five sub-accounts
where
Rephrase
apply
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one of
them
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which
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 can be set as a
children
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's account to show only
children
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's genres of movies.
As a result
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, though
parents
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 are not able to supervise their
children
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 all the time, they can control what their
children
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 watch.
To conclude
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, unsupervised
access
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 to the
internet
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 by
children
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 causes several potential issues
such
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 as
children
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 accessing
adult
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content
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 and hoax
information
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. Obviously, to avoid illegal
content
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access
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 by
children
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, both
parents
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 and
providers
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 should limit
access
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 to certain websites or apps.
This
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 preventive way could be a solution for unsupervised
access
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 to the
internet
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 by
children
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.

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task achievement
The essay addresses the key points of the question, but it could benefit from more specific examples to elucidate the points further. For instance, mentioning specific instances where unsupervised internet access has led to problematic behavior or specific measures parents/providers can take would strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
While the essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, improving logical flow between sentences and paragraphs would enhance coherence. Using transition words and ensuring each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next will improve this.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that slightly impact clarity. For instance, 'This is happen because' should be 'This happens because'. Proofreading and possibly rephrasing some sentences would make the essay more polished.
structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a strong framework for the discussion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the question and are well-supported. The argument about false information and adult content is pertinent and well-elaborated.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • unsupervised access
  • inappropriate content
  • cyberbullying
  • anonymity
  • technology addiction
  • screen time
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • privacy concerns
  • predatory individuals
  • self-image
  • social withdrawal
  • emotional consequences
  • real-life relationships
  • unrealistic comparisons
What to do next:
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