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Band 3.5

people belive that schools should teach children to become good citizens and workers rather than independent individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and relevant examples.

#people #belive #schools #children #citizens #workers #individuals
Education
 is very
crutial
Correct your spelling
crucial
critical
 for our today's life,through
education
 our life become easier
furthermore
 it gives you the chance to get a better job with a decent salary.Most
education
 experts recommend that
education
 must focus more on teaching
attiude
Correct your spelling
attitude
aptitude
 for learners and how to become
profecient
Correct your spelling
proficient
 workers
however
, Others recommend that
education
 must focus more on teaching children basic instinct and basic majors that can help them become more independent.In my humble
opnioin
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think developing
character
Correct article usage
the character
show examples
 of learners is one of the
corner stones
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cornerstones
show examples
 in any educational system.
Furthermore
,Studies have shown that children tend to learn discipline and communication skills in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school plus they learn how to be good
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
show examples
 in the future which in return
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a positive income for the country in return.
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 instance,military students
always
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are always
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 more punctual and more precise than students in others schools and are able to do jobs more accurate. On
otherhand
Correct your spelling
the other hand
,the effect of educated children on
Correct article usage
the economic
show examples
economic
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economy
show examples
 is marvelous
hence
 ,they are the moving power of the economy
however
 making
individual
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individuals
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 who are independent only
on
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apply
show examples
themselves without the commonsense of their society could be destructive to any country.
for
Capitalize word
For
show examples
 example,some countries use foregin miltary
instead
 of using her own people which is very risky especially in time of war. In conclusion,to highlight the above-mentioned points,it can be reiterated that teaching
good
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a good
show examples
attiude
Correct your spelling
attitude
 and how to
to
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apply
show examples
love
the
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apply
show examples
society always the important mission to build a
well established
Add a hyphen
well-established
show examples
 society holding itself
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the arms of his youth.
Submitted by ahmedteleb500 on

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coherence and cohesion
There are several spelling and grammatical errors that need to be addressed for a clearer response. Additionally, break down your ideas into more organized paragraphs for clarity. Proper punctuation, especially commas, is necessary.
task response
The introduction could provide more context about the debate around education focus. The conclusion should succinctly summarize your main points while clearly stating your final stance. The use of specific, varied examples lends credibility to your arguments.
task response
There is a clear stance in the essay on focusing education on developing the character of learners. The examples used are relevant and help support the main points.
coherence and cohesion
An introduction and conclusion are present, and there are attempts to connect ideas across the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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