IELTS essay, topic: Many museums charge for admission while others are free. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

There are many
museums
have charge for the ticket. Nowadays,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
musuems
Correct your spelling
museums
are popular as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourist spots and with the cluster of visitors, many
museums
have
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
policy of charging for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entrance.
Whereas
some
museums
still
Add a missing verb
are still
show examples
free. I personally believe that the admission
fees
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
cause more benefits
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
the advantages, described in the following paragraphs.
To begin
with, it is undeniable that in the present day,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
such
as history
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
,
arts
Change the noun form
art
show examples
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
natural
museum
Fix the agreement mistake
museums
show examples
etc.
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
popular and becoming one of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tourists
Change the noun form
tourist
show examples
destination
Change to a plural noun
destinations
show examples
.
Following
this
, the
museums
have to hire more staff and security guards in order to
making
Change the verb
make
show examples
the best experiences for their customers, so it is not
surprised
Replace the word
surprising
show examples
that some
museums
will charge the entering
fees
. Charging the entering costs
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
many
beneficial
Replace the word
benefits
show examples
such
as expenditure for maintenance, salaries for staff and improving the
museums
.
Firstly
, the
museum
will
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sufficient
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
in order to do the maintenance
works
Correct subject-verb agreement
work
show examples
not only
repair
Fix the infinitive
to repair
show examples
the statements or arts, but
also
the
building
Replace the word
build
show examples
and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
facilities in the
museum
.
Secondly
, staff and security guards will gain more service minds and
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
happy
from
Change preposition
with
show examples
the salaries
earning
Wrong verb form
earned
show examples
. After that, with more money, the
museum
can
arrage
Correct your spelling
arrange
and improve
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the pieces that they
presenting
Wrong verb form
present
show examples
. To illustrate,
Thai
Correct article usage
the Thai
show examples
museum
arraged
Correct your spelling
arranged
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
campaign
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the national Thai dress competition and it caught
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
attentions
Fix the agreement mistake
attention
show examples
after the
museum
increased the
entering
Replace the word
entrance
show examples
price for adults.
Additionally
, there is one drawback of charging
fees
which is not everyone can get in. People who
wants
Change the verb form
want
show examples
to pass through the door need to pay for the ticket.
Following
this
, it causes
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
decreasing
Replace the word
decrease
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
customer admission compared to other
museums
that have free entrance.
To conclude
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
museums
should charge
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entrance
fees
because the money they
earned
Wrong verb form
earn
show examples
can be turned into many positive
development
Change to a plural noun
developments
show examples
for the visitors
outweigh
Wrong verb form
outweighing
show examples
the negative influences.
Submitted by pnakasont on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Develop your ideas more thoroughly in each paragraph. Try to provide more detailed explanations and examples to illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
Work on coherence and cohesion by using more linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines what you are going to discuss in the essay, and your conclusion summarizes your main points effectively.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic and presents both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
You have made a good effort to organize your essay with an introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You provided relevant specific examples to support your points, such as the Thai museum example.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Admission fees
  • Revenue generation
  • Facilities
  • Exhibits
  • Maintenance and preservation
  • Artifacts
  • Exclusive exhibitions
  • Temporary exhibitions
  • Overcrowding
  • Equitable access
  • Discounted rates
  • Educational experience
What to do next:
Look at other essays: