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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey conducted by a personnel department at a major company. The survey was carried out on two groups of workers: those aged from 18-30 and those aged 45-60, and shows factors affecting their work performance.
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The provided chart bar depicts the factors that impact
the
Correct article usage
apply
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employee performance at work. The survey is categorized by the
employee
Fix the agreement mistake
employees
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 who are 18-30 and 45-60 years of age. Generally speaking, the
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
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 that
related
Add a missing verb
are related
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 to benefits and opportunities (chance for personal development, relaxed working environment, job security, promotion prospects, job satisfaction, and money) from
company
Add an article
the company
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 are the highest factors that boost young
people
Use synonyms
 to perform.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
people
Use synonyms
 at
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
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 factor is the main reason for the older ones to bring their best effort
for
Change preposition
to
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company
Add an article
the company
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. The opportunity to develop,
Correct article usage
a relax
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relax
Wrong verb form
relaxed
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 workplace, high money, and the chance to
promote
Wrong verb form
be promoted
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 are the top reasons (above 60
employee
Change to a plural noun
employees
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) for
people
Use synonyms
 below 30 years old to show their best
while
Linking Words
 the other factors. Contrary, workers that already
spended
Correct your spelling
spent
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 their life more, enjoyed their
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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 more related to
Use synonyms
people
Correct article usage
the people
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 around them like how high the spirit of their group
, the
Add a missing verb
was, the
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 competency of their leader, and how others
respect
Wrong verb form
respected
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 them.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • bar chart
  • survey
  • personnel department
  • major company
  • age group
  • work performance
  • factors
  • comparison
  • analysis
  • common
  • significant
  • differences
  • important
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