IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the main purpose of school is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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How to educate
children
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 correctly is always a difficult issue worldwide. It is the opinion of
this
Linking Words
 writer that
children
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 should be taught as only individuals
instead
Linking Words
 of being good employees because of the education of the country and the diversity of
people
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. It is vital to understand that teaching students to be good workers cannot develop their problem-solving skills or logical thinking. It is because teachers focus on turning them into
people
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 who cannot do anything but work without thinking.
For example
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, being quality citizens and workmen does not mean they are knowledgeable and smart, they are just
people
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 who have the ability to obey the rules and hold a job.
In other words
Linking Words
, it is a failure of the education of a nation. Another key component of the case for edifying
children
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 with nothing but discipline is the variety of
people
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. It is
fact
Correct article usage
a fact
show examples
 that the
world
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 is more colourful thanks to various
people
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 in the
world
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 because they are the only
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
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 with different appearances, characteristics and stories,
that is
Linking Words
 the thing
makes
Correct pronoun usage
that makes
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 them special. If the
world
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 lost its variety of cultures or
people
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, how it would be boring
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Thus
Linking Words
, it is very important to benefit
children
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 as individuals, not just for them but for the
world
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. In conclusion, how to teach
children
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 correctly is still a challenge, but it is very critical for the education of a nation and the
colorful
Change the spelling
colourful
show examples
 of the
world
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear viewpoint, but it could benefit from deeper analysis. Try to elaborate more on your points to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea that is both introduced and concluded well. This will improve clarity and flow.
task achievement
While your arguments are valid, incorporating more specific examples and evidence will make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Try to link your paragraphs more smoothly. Use transitional phrases to guide the reader from one point to the next.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, which helps provide a comprehensive overview of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well, discussing the main purpose of schooling in a structured manner.
task achievement
The language used is appropriate, and you have a good command of vocabulary and grammar, making your ideas easy to understand.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • crucial
  • shaping
  • developing
  • unique talents
  • potential
  • well-rounded
  • academic
  • social
  • emotional development
  • personal growth
  • contribute positively
  • self-expression
  • creativity
  • individuality
  • happier and more fulfilled
  • strike a balance
  • preparing students for the workforce
  • nurturing
  • individual needs
  • pursue passions and interests
  • thrive
  • future professionals
  • community institutions
  • shape community values
  • foster civic engagement
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