IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people believe that watching a live performance is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do yoou agree or disagree? Give reason for your answer and include any examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #live #performance #event #television #yoou #reason
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There is a debate that following the
performance
 directly is more interesting than seeing the same show
through
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the screen of
Add an article
the
a
show examples
television. the writer of
this
 essay totally disagrees with the statement
due to
 being pickpocketed and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
annoyed by the noise. Seeing the
event
 directly can lead to being pickpocketed.
In other words
,
due to
 curiosity, humans want to know how the
performance
 will be celebrated so
this
 leads to the
crowd
 surrounding the
event
.
As a result
, the pickpocket will use the
crowd
 as a barrier to prevent others from seeing them doing criminal activity. The
annoy
Change the verb form
annoying
show examples
noise is another reason contributing to
people
 prefer watching the
event
 on the television screen. To put it plainly, it is obvious that each individual surrounding the
performance
 always shouts and tries to get over the others in order to have an opportunity to watch the
performance
 more clearly which can easily lead to conflict between two
people
.
Moreover
, under pressure
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the noise and
crowd
 for a long time, individuals tend to be cross, unpleasant and easy to have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conflict with other
people
. In conclusion, being pickpocketed and annoying the
crowd
 are the reasons why
people
 should watch the
event
 on the television rather than watch it directly.
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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples. While the essay discusses the risk of pickpocketing and noise annoyance, providing concrete examples or personal experiences would strengthen the arguments.
task achievement
Work on varied sentence structures and avoiding minor grammatical errors, such as 'the annoyed by the noise', 'annoy noise', 'cross, unpleasant and easy to have a conflict'. This will improve readability.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by using transitional words and phrases (e.g., first, secondly, additionally, lastly) to guide readers through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Focus on connecting ideas within paragraphs more explicitly. For example, ensure each sentence builds logically upon the previous one.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, ensuring that the reader understands the main argument from the beginning and the final takeaway at the end.
task achievement
The task is addressed fully, as the essay discusses the respective points of viewing live performances versus watching them on television.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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