Nowadays, in many countries, young people do not stay with their parents. Instead , they move to another place to work or study. In your opinion, is this a positive or negative trend?
In
this
day and age, a plethora of young people have the tendency to settle in another place instead
of living with their parents. This
essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and demerits of this
trend before concluding that this
is indeed an encouraging development.
On the one hand, living far away from home is disadvantageous to some extent. Firstly
, youngsters who lack life experience could find it hard to resist the temptation. For instance
, they could lose their ideal life and fall into social evils due to
their curiosity, which could make them a financial burden for their family and society or even dangerous to their lives. Secondly
, a lack of economic ability could lead them to face numerous troubles. Specifically, moving out to live separately means they have to struggle to make ends meet and afford various housing bills as well as
travel expenses.
On the other hand
, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that moving to another country to study and work could bring many benefits for the young. One key rationale in favour of this
view is that they could broaden their horizons. This
perspective could be further
by the fact that young people could have a myriad of opportunities to meet top-notch professors, which could help them foster their abilities, nurture their talent, enrich their life experiences, or even have a great chance of landing a well-earned occupation. Another justification is that teenagers could become more independent as well as
mature. This
is because, living far from their family, they need to learn how to take care of themselves when they get sick, cook meals, and calculate house payments for reasonable spending.
In conclusion, while
it is irrefutable that living in another country far from their hometown could have some downsides. I would contend that the upsides which it offers are significantly more noteworthy.Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on
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General
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is excellent. However, try to refine the transition between some of your points to ensure even smoother reading. Additionally, providing more specific real-life examples would enhance your arguments and make your essay more compelling. Consider adding anecdotes or statistics where possible to strengthen your main points further.
Task Achievement
Improve the examples used to support your points. While the essay addresses the prompt well, adding richer and more vivid examples will make your arguments more persuasive. For instance, instead of general statements about financial burdens, provide a specific scenario or statistic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure logical progression of ideas within paragraphs. Sometimes, the transitions between sentences and ideas within a paragraph can disrupt the flow. Use clearer topic sentences and linked concluding sentences for each paragraph to enhance coherence.
Introduction and Conclusion
The essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion, and your conclusion nicely wraps up your argument.
Balanced Perspective
You have successfully highlighted both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, showing a balanced perspective.
Language and Vocabulary
Your language and vocabulary are strong, and you have used a variety of sentence structures, which enhances the readability of your essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example