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Writing Samples
Band 7

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world

The pie charts below compare water usage in San Diego, California and the rest of the world
#water #usage #san #diego #california #rest #world
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The pie charts compare
San
Use synonyms
Diego
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,
California
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 and Worldwide in terms of how much
water
Use synonyms
 was consumed/ used for residential, industrial,
agricultural
Correct word choice
and agricultural
show examples
 purposes.
Overall
Linking Words
, the rate of
water
Use synonyms
 consumption for Agriculture
in
Change preposition
apply
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Worldwide was by far the highest in all sectors
while
Linking Words
 residential accounts for the majority of using
water
Use synonyms
 in
San
Use synonyms
Diego
Use synonyms
.
San
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Diego
Use synonyms
 and worldwide,
additionally
Linking Words
, were similar in using
water
Use synonyms
 in
San
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Diego
Use synonyms
 and Worldwide for industrial purposes. As can be seen from the charts, the percentage of
water
Use synonyms
 consumption for agriculture held the lion’s share
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Worldwide, accounting for 69%, followed by
California
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 and
San
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Diego
Use synonyms
, with 28% and 17% respectively. There was a similar percentage in the proportion of
water
Use synonyms
 used for Industry in
San
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Diego
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 and Worldwide, taking up 23%, which was 10% lower than the figure for
California
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, 60% of the amount of
water
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 used for Residential COMES from
San
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Diego
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, hitting the highest point in the purpose, compared with 39% in
California
Use synonyms
WHILE
Linking Words
 the lowest number belonged to using
water
Use synonyms
 for Residential worldwide, making up 8%.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words san, diego, california, water with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compare" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compare" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • proportion
  • households
  • significant
  • industrial use
  • implications
  • agriculture
  • geographical
  • climatic
  • economic factors
  • patterns
  • sustainability
  • practices
  • surprising
  • exceptionally
  • improvements
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