Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire form work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Some
people
stated that people
's lifespan is getting longer, and the age of retirement should be substantially raised. This
author disagrees with the statement because the elderly need more resting time
for their pastimes and fundamentally their children and family, not only that,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
to avoid sickness in workplaces to extend their own life expectancy.
Raising people
's retirement age can be considered to take away people
's living time
. This
is because it can bring about disease when working in unsuitable conditions. Moreover
, it can be the reason for a lack of energy, which can be a major factor affecting worker's life expectancy. For instance
, scientists have reported that there was an increasingly noticeable early death for Asian elderly when they suffer
a variety of health problems during their work.
It is vital to understand that every worker needs Wrong verb form
suffered
pace
to look after and visit their children and family, especially the older ones. By way of explanation, positive emotions play a crucial role in extending lifespan. Add an article
a pace
Nevertheless
, positive emotions are mostly expressed when they gather with their family. For example
, gathering with family boosts folk's mood with joyce
and love that helps to extend their lifespan.
Taking everything into consideration, Correct your spelling
joy
this
author completely disagrees with the statement in light of concerns about loss of energy which puts employees themselves under pressure, this
possibly affects their life expectancy. Correct pronoun usage
which
Furthermore
, resting time
is necessary to have time
to gather with family and kids to gain joyce in order to live longer and happily and have more chances to enjoy their time
with families, friends and their children.Submitted by [email protected] on
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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction. This will give the reader a clear understanding of your position from the start.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each main point. Providing more detailed explanations and examples can increase the depth of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on more seamless transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall flow of the essay. This helps create a more cohesive and logically structured response.
coherence cohesion
Vary your sentence structures to avoid redundancy and maintain the reader's interest. This will improve the complexity and readability of your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant to the topic and you provide specific examples to support them. This helps in building a strong argument.
coherence cohesion
You present a clear introduction and a conclusion which effectively summarizes your position. This gives your essay a well-rounded structure.
task achievement
Your essay touches on important aspects of the issue, showing a good understanding of the prompt.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?