IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire form work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 stated that
people
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's lifespan is getting longer, and the age of retirement should be substantially raised.
This
Linking Words
 author disagrees with the statement because the elderly need more resting
time
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 for their pastimes and fundamentally their children and family, not only that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 to avoid sickness in workplaces to extend their own life expectancy. Raising
people
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's retirement age can be considered to take away
people
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's living
time
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because it can bring about disease when working in unsuitable conditions.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it can be the reason for a lack of energy, which can be a major factor affecting worker's life expectancy.
For instance
Linking Words
, scientists have reported that there was an increasingly noticeable early death for Asian elderly when they
suffer
Wrong verb form
suffered
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 a variety of health problems during their work. It is vital to understand that every worker needs
pace
Add an article
a pace
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 to look after and visit their children and family, especially the older ones. By way of explanation, positive emotions play a crucial role in extending lifespan.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, positive emotions are mostly expressed when they gather with their family.
For example
Linking Words
, gathering with family boosts folk's mood with
joyce
Correct your spelling
joy
 and love that helps to extend their lifespan. Taking everything into consideration,
this
Linking Words
 author completely disagrees with the statement in light of concerns about loss of energy which puts employees themselves under pressure,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 possibly affects their life expectancy.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, resting
time
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 is necessary to have
time
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 to gather with family and kids to gain joyce in order to live longer and happily and have more chances to enjoy their
time
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 with families, friends and their children.

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task achievement
Your essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction. This will give the reader a clear understanding of your position from the start.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each main point. Providing more detailed explanations and examples can increase the depth of your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Work on more seamless transitions between paragraphs to improve the overall flow of the essay. This helps create a more cohesive and logically structured response.
coherence cohesion
Vary your sentence structures to avoid redundancy and maintain the reader's interest. This will improve the complexity and readability of your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are relevant to the topic and you provide specific examples to support them. This helps in building a strong argument.
coherence cohesion
You present a clear introduction and a conclusion which effectively summarizes your position. This gives your essay a well-rounded structure.
task achievement
Your essay touches on important aspects of the issue, showing a good understanding of the prompt.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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