IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

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Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that schools should educate children to be nice residents and employees
instead
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 of turning them into
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
beneficial
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
This
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 author agrees with
this
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 statement
due to
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 the priority for the general interest and the trend of socialization. The first key factor that must be considered is that the general
interests
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 of the whole community would be more important. It is essential to understand that if we can ensure the largest interest, each of us can benefit from it and because we live together in a society, we have to put the general
interests
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 the first target.
As a result
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, individual
interests
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 will be a part of the general one and everybody has to bring their benefits to contribute to the
overall
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 benefits.
For instance
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,
while
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 the COVID-19 pandemic is spreading,
people
Use synonyms
 have to wear a mask when they go out and
that is
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 useless for them Those masks will protect other
people
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 and if everybody wears masks, the pandemic cannot spread quickly and it is easy to be wiped out. Another thing that should be mentioned is that the trend of socialization is becoming more and more popular. It means that
people
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 tend to live and
work
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 for the community rather than do it for themselves.
Therefore
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, many countries all around the world have started to connect their citizens together and there are more and more multinational companies where
people
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 can
work
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 with other
people
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 from any nation in the world. Take Microsoft Corporation as an example,
this
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 is one of the giants in technology and they operate in hundreds of nations so employees in the same companies have to
work
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 with many other
people
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 from other nations and they all
work
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 for Microsoft's
interests
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.
To conclude
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, schools should turn children into good citizens and workers because of the priority for
overall
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 advantages and the trend of socialization.
Hence
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, the main purpose of schools should not be making them benefit as an individual.

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task achievement
The essay should have a clear and concise thesis statement in the introduction to clearly state your stance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to maintain logical flow and structure.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to illustrate your points more effectively, as this will strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Work on refining your arguments to make them clearer and more comprehensive for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between paragraphs to ensure a smooth logical flow.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic and provide a solid argument in support of the thesis.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical sequence in presenting the arguments, making the essay reasonably easy to follow.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • foundational knowledge
  • career success
  • economic contribution
  • personal development
  • critical thinking
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • balanced education
  • community well-being
  • holistic education
  • academic and personal growth
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