IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The government should invest in education and health care. Governments should invest these funds in tourism. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#government #education #health #care #governments #funds #tourism
I disagree with the idea that
governments
 should put more investment in
tourism
 rather than in education and health care. There are several reasons for
this
. In
this
 essay, I will analyze and compare these reasons with specific examples. First of all, it is
necesary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for any government to motivate young
aduls
Correct your spelling
adults
 to become
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
 workforce in a country. In order to do so, putting emphasis on helping those houses with less income is important.
For example
, making tuition funds
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 students with
ability
Correct article usage
the ability
show examples
 will help
minimizing
Wrong verb form
minimise
show examples
 the gap between the rich and the poor in the
future
. By funding the people of ability when they are in need, they believe their country is a good society and they will be more willing to work hard to contribute
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the nation.
Secondly
, it is
also
 crucial to decrease the number of preventable deaths
such
 as
trafic
Correct your spelling
traffic
accindents
Correct your spelling
accidents
 and cases of preventable life associating diseases. To evaluate and analyze the previous accident data and how to prevent obesity,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments
 should invest
certain
Change the article
a certain
show examples
 amount of money
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research institutes. By doing so, motivated researchers and analysts will encouragingly suggest
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future
 options for
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 life for everyone.
Finally
, the
governments
 should not put
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 public assets
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
tourism
. Rather, they should extract some profit as a tax.
However
, they should expend on regulating the system of
tourism
 in order for
safety
Correct article usage
the safety
show examples
 and preservation of the natural environment.
Preperation
Correct your spelling
Preparation
 for the Olympics or the Expo
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
exceptions
Fix the agreement mistake
exception
show examples
this
 is rather a chance for the government
gain
Fix the infinitive
to gain
show examples
extra
Correct article usage
an extra
show examples
 amount of national income.
As
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I
Correct your spelling
In
show examples
conclude
Replace the word
conclusion
show examples
, it is necessary for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments
 to extract
certain
Change the article
a certain
show examples
 amount of profit from
tourism
 and invest those national assets into
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 and
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 system to maintain the quality
future
 workforce of the nation.
This
 positive cycle will
mold
Change the spelling
mould
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better society in the
future
.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
The essay somewhat addresses the task by arguing against the focus on tourism and advocating for investments in education and healthcare. However, it could benefit from a more detailed analysis of the benefits and drawbacks of tourism investment. Include more comprehensive examples and a counter-argument for a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally clear and easy to follow, some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences that outline the main point. Also, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and use linking words to improve the flow.
language
There are several language errors, such as 'necesary,' 'aduls,' 'accindents,' and 'traffick.' Proofread carefully to avoid these errors. Also, refine expressions like 'motivated researchers and analysts will encouragingly suggest' to 'motivated researchers and analysts will be encouraged to suggest.'
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the writer's position and outlines what will be discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer's argument.
task achievement
The essay makes a good attempt to support its main points with examples, such as the focus on education for future workforce and preventing traffic accidents or related diseases.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Investment: capital allocation towards a sector, often for development or improvement.
  • Long-term economic growth: sustainable increase in a country’s economic productivity over an extended period.
  • Knowledgeable workforce: employees who are well-educated and trained, capable of driving innovation.
  • Healthcare services: medical services, including prevention, treatment, and management of illnesses.
  • Economic sustainability: responsible management of resources to ensure long-term economic health.
  • Tourism: industry focusing on travel for leisure, which contributes to a nation's economic revenue.
  • External factors: variables outside of a country's control that can impact its economy or sectors.
  • Foundation: the base or groundwork upon which further development can be built.
  • Societal welfare: the well-being of a community in terms of health, education, and economic conditions.
  • Social equity: fairness and equality in access to opportunities and resources within a society.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: