The government should invest in education and health care. Governments should invest these funds in tourism. To what extent do you agree with this statement?
I disagree with the idea that
governments
should put more investment in tourism
rather than in education and health care. There are several reasons for this
. In this
essay, I will analyze and compare these reasons with specific examples.
First of all, it is necesary
for any government to motivate young Correct your spelling
necessary
aduls
to become Correct your spelling
adults
future
workforce in a country. In order to do so, putting emphasis on helping those houses with less income is important. Correct article usage
the future
For example
, making tuition funds to
students with Change preposition
for
ability
will help Correct article usage
the ability
minimizing
the gap between the rich and the poor in the Wrong verb form
minimise
future
. By funding the people of ability when they are in need, they believe their country is a good society and they will be more willing to work hard to contribute for
the nation.
Change preposition
to
Secondly
, it is also
crucial to decrease the number of preventable deaths such
as trafic
Correct your spelling
traffic
accindents
and cases of preventable life associating diseases. To evaluate and analyze the previous accident data and how to prevent obesity, Correct your spelling
accidents
the
Correct article usage
apply
governments
should invest certain
amount of money Change the article
a certain
on
Change preposition
in
the
research institutes. By doing so, motivated researchers and analysts will encouragingly suggest Correct article usage
apply
the
Correct article usage
apply
future
options for better
life for everyone.
Add an article
a better
Finally
, the governments
should not put much
public assets Change the quantifier
many
on
Change preposition
into
tourism
. Rather, they should extract some profit as a tax. However
, they should expend on regulating the system of tourism
in order for safety
and preservation of the natural environment. Correct article usage
the safety
Preperation
for the Olympics or the Expo Correct your spelling
Preparation
are
not Change the verb form
is
the
Correct article usage
an
exceptions
Fix the agreement mistake
exception
this
is rather a chance for the government gain
Fix the infinitive
to gain
extra
amount of national income.
Correct article usage
an extra
As
Correct word choice
apply
I
Correct your spelling
In
conclude
, it is necessary for Replace the word
conclusion
the
Correct article usage
apply
governments
to extract certain
amount of profit from Change the article
a certain
tourism
and invest those national assets into education
and Correct article usage
the education
health care
system to maintain the quality Correct your spelling
healthcare
future
workforce of the nation. This
positive cycle will mold
Change the spelling
mould
the
better society in the Correct article usage
a
future
.Submitted by kana_ayaki on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
task achievement
The essay somewhat addresses the task by arguing against the focus on tourism and advocating for investments in education and healthcare. However, it could benefit from a more detailed analysis of the benefits and drawbacks of tourism investment. Include more comprehensive examples and a counter-argument for a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
While the essay is generally clear and easy to follow, some paragraphs lack clear topic sentences that outline the main point. Also, some transitions between ideas could be smoother. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and use linking words to improve the flow.
language
There are several language errors, such as 'necesary,' 'aduls,' 'accindents,' and 'traffick.' Proofread carefully to avoid these errors. Also, refine expressions like 'motivated researchers and analysts will encouragingly suggest' to 'motivated researchers and analysts will be encouraged to suggest.'
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states the writer's position and outlines what will be discussed in the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and reinforces the writer's argument.
task achievement
The essay makes a good attempt to support its main points with examples, such as the focus on education for future workforce and preventing traffic accidents or related diseases.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.