IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

The bar char belowshows the attendace of people in different ages in music events in australia in 2006

#bar #belowshows #attendace #people #ages #music #events #australia
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
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bar chart illustrates the percentage of people from 5 age
groups
Use synonyms
 attending music events
within
Change preposition
in
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 Australia during 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that popular outnumbered other categories in the majority of the age
groups
Use synonyms
 excluding those above 45 who were more involved in opera music events.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Australians attempted classical the least with the sole exception of the 55 or older bracket
who
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 had
the
Correct article usage
a
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 popular
attendance’s
Change noun form
attendance
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 rate
even
Change preposition
of even
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 less. Moving on to the three youngest
groups
Use synonyms
, popular accounted for a range of 27% to 38%, being over three times higher than the classical percentage which was at about 11%, 8% and 11% in the 15–24, 25–34, and 35–44
groups
Use synonyms
 in 2006, respectively. Meanwhile, around 14% of attendees were aged 15 to 34 compared to 25% of those aged 35 to 44. Looking into the remaining bracket, both of them have an identical attendance rate in opera music events of exactly 15%.
Likewise
Linking Words
, only a tenth of them were involved in classical,
whereas
Linking Words
 the 45–54 bracket attended popular 8% more compared to those aged over 55, being 5% in total.

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task achievement
Your essay does a good job of addressing the task requirements, presenting relevant data and trends. However, it could benefit from more comprehensive analysis and additional supporting details to strengthen your points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure seamless transitions between sentences and paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of your essay. This will help readers follow your arguments more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to maintaining a clear and consistent structure. For example, provide a more detailed introductory statement and a conclusive summary, highlighting the significant trends and implications.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on each point you make, and use precise data from the chart to support your comparisons and contrasts. This will make your arguments more compelling and clear.
task achievement
Your essay effectively identifies and compares the key trends in attendance across different age groups, which is essential for this task.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction is clear and provides a good overview of what the data represents, giving your readers a good context from the beginning.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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