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Band 7

In some cities public parks and open space are being changes into gardens where local residents can grow their own fruit and vegetables. Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#cities #parks #space #changes #gardens #residents #fruit #vegetables
It is believed that natural public amenities are rebuilt into
gardens
due to
 the expectation of local inhabitants to grow beneficial vegetation.
This
 essay will show the inconvenience of lacking entertainment areas outweighs the benefits of farmland.
To begin
, it must be understood that the majority of
people
 often do leisure activities and refill their energy in community parks.
This
 is because the proper construction of trees, wooden benches and pebble paths will distress
people
's minds via watching the tranquil sceneries around them.
As a result
,
people
 may not find other places for the purposes of entertainment and become more stressed without any public parks.
For instance
, Central Park, located in New York City is an attractive destination with both tourists and citizens
due to
 its peaceful atmosphere and healing environment.
Therefore
, lacking entertainment areas results in the rate of stressful inhabitants. It must
also
 be considered that transforming public spaces into
gardens
 is a considerable way.
People
 can grow all kinds of vegetation and independently harvest it.
This
 may be true, but planting fruit or vegetables requires fertilizers which may
be released
Wrong verb form
release
show examples
 toxic chemical substances into the environment.
Furthermore
, insects will often come to
gardens
 and there is an increase in the number of insects throughout the community. Global governments encourage humans not to reverse public spaces to farmland.
Thus
, avoiding building
gardens
 in public is a significant point to be considered.
To conclude
, the lack of spacious spaces brings harmful effects on
people
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and outweighs the significant nutritional vegetables grown in
gardens
.
Hence
, local citizens should visit public parks frequently in order to create more relaxing time and potential relationships.
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task response
Ensure a balance between discussing both advantages and disadvantages. Although both sides are addressed, the disadvantages are more prominently discussed.
task response
Provide more detailed examples for each main point to strengthen your arguments. Mention specific instances or case studies where public parks have been beneficial or where community gardens have posed issues.
coherence cohesion
Work on smooth transitions between paragraphs. Though the essay follows a logical structure, connecting sentences could make the flow more seamless.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction is clear and outlines the main argument effectively.
logical structure
The essay has a logical structure, and each paragraph is dedicated to a single main point, making it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and presents a clear stance, reinforcing the essay’s argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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