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Writing Samples
Band 5

Schools should use films, computers and games instead of books To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#schools #films #computers #games #books
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In the contemporary world,
technologies
 and social networking are becoming more and more developing day by day. In lots of fields,
schools
, in education systems, computers, and internet activities are used as a strong weapon to attract
pupils
’ attention
instead
 of the majority of
books
.
Although
, in
schools
,
technologies
 are spreading
fastly
Rephrase
fast
show examples
 and it is a good way to teach
children
,
books
 are coming from generation to generation in getting knowledge and it helps to develop perspectives. Nowadays,
schools
 are trying to create different types of ways to give effective education to
pupils
 in various countries.
Pupils
 under 15 who sit at a table for 4-5 hours, appear to some bored
as a result
 of reading
books
 without doing any entertainment activities. In that key, films which are connected to lessons are the best way to give
information
 to
children
.
Additionally
, computers and attractive games help
children
 to pay attention to lessons.
Therefore
, these
technologies
 create a chance for teachers to teach
pupils
 at
schools
.
On the other hand
,
books
 are full of clear
information
 and they are related to real facts. If
pupils
 read more than they expected, they can get much more
information
,
books
 can help to improve a person’s concentration and memory
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the more
children
 learn something by reading a book, the more they accept more
information
. Another reason is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 by reading
books
 in a peaceful place people can reduce stress
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because at that time they concentrate their mind on one point.
To sum up
, new
technologies
 are being
usedas
Correct your spelling
used as
asystem
Correct your spelling
system
a system
 in teaching processes. These can help
children
 to create interest in lessons and learning.
Books
 are
also
 a potential way to be a knowledgeable person and
catch
Verb problem
apply
show examples
concentration
Replace the word
concentrate
show examples
. I think
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 teachers should teach
pupils
 with the help of technology and
books
. If they use both of them on a regular basis,
pupils
 may never reject getting knowledge and a new base.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Consider improving the logical structure by ensuring smooth transitions between paragraphs and ideas. This will enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
While your response is largely complete, try to add more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction and conclusion clearly frame your argument. Tightening up these sections can improve the overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Your essay provides a fairly comprehensive response to the prompt, addressing multiple aspects of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which helps in framing your arguments well.
task achievement
You have integrated modern technological methods and traditional books effectively in your essay, showing a balanced perspective.
coherence cohesion
Your language use is fairly clear, making your main points understandable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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