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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006

The bar chart shows attendance of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006
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Contained in the bar chart is data pertaining to the percentage of
individuals
Use synonyms
 of various
ages
Use synonyms
 attending
events
Use synonyms
 about
music
Use synonyms
 in Australia during 2006
Overall
Linking Words
, it is apparently seen that popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 had a majority of attendance whose
ages
Use synonyms
 ranged from 15 to 24 ,
while
Linking Words
 the opposite was true for an
Use synonyms
ages
Change the noun form
age
show examples
group
Use synonyms
 of 55+ in 2006 .
Additionally
Linking Words
, the proportion of
individuals
Use synonyms
 visiting
events
Use synonyms
 about opera and classical
music
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 similar in various
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 year shown. Looking at the figure in
further
Linking Words
 detail , 38% of popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 attended by the youngest
group
Use synonyms
 ,
whereas
Linking Words
 the oldest category rate was at 5% throughout 2006. Following the youngest
group
Use synonyms
 were
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 groups of 35-44 and 25-34, the percentage of
individuals
Use synonyms
 in these units attending festivals about popular
music
Use synonyms
 was
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
33% and 27% respectively during 2006. What is more , there was just 13% of residents visiting popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 in a year displayed. Turning to the remaining statistics , the figure for attendance for classical
music
Use synonyms
 festivals
ranging
Wrong verb form
ranged
show examples
 from 8 per cent to 11 per cent in distinctive
ages
Use synonyms
 throughout 2006. In terms of
events
Use synonyms
 about opera
music
Use synonyms
 , which were attended by between 13% and 15% of
individuals
Use synonyms
this
Linking Words
 year.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words individuals, ages, events, music, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • attendance patterns
  • age demographics
  • teenagers
  • young adults
  • middle-aged individuals
  • senior citizens
  • varies
  • preferences
  • interpret
  • type of music events
  • concerts
  • festivals
  • classical music events
  • insightful
  • popular
  • cultural influences
  • social trends
  • lifestyle choices
  • affect
  • rates
  • economic factors
  • accessibility
  • cost of tickets
  • income levels
  • comparison
  • recreational activities
  • forms of entertainment
  • noting trends
  • deviations
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