IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music event 2006

the bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music event 2006
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Given is the chart illustrating the ratio of the joiners in various
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 groups in music events in Australia in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 the attendances who were from 25 to 44
years
Use synonyms
 old, had a keen interest in popular genre, it was the least favourite one for others
aging
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 from 45
years
Use synonyms
 old and above.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the classical
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the lowest
number
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attendees
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all ages. In terms of
popular
Replace the word
popularity
show examples
, 38 % was the
Use synonyms
number of
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
15-46 aged
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
, which
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
far exceeded
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those
aging
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 between 35 and 44 and individuals
aging
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 from 25 to 34 , with the respective
number
Use synonyms
, being 33 % and 27%.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, 45-54 aged ones accounted for 13 %, and 15 % was the
number
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 people
were
Correct pronoun usage
who were
show examples
 around 55
years
Use synonyms
 old and above.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the opera was the most common type to those
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
aged from 35 to 44
years
Use synonyms
 old, at 25 %, compared to 15 % for both 45-54
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 groups and those
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
around 55
above
Correct word choice
and above
show examples
. Regarding the classical, 11 % was the figure for
public
Add an article
the public
show examples
 from 15 to 24
years
Use synonyms
 old and those
were belonged
Change to the active voice
belonged
have belonged
show examples
 to
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
-44
aged
Replace the word
age
show examples
 group. Even though
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
classical music was expected to be the most popular among
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 were from 45 to 54
years
Use synonyms
 old, the result was extremely
surprised
Replace the word
surprising
show examples
 that it was 10 % for
this
Linking Words
 group.
Finally
Linking Words
, there was the same equal for both
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 25-34 ones and attendees
aging
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 55
above
Correct word choice
and above
show examples

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words years, number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • age group
  • attendance
  • music event
  • year 2006
  • highest/lowest attendance
  • musical taste
  • disposable income
  • comparison
  • trends
  • influence
  • predictions
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