IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some culture children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disavdantages of giving children this message?

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Nowadays, in some countries, parents assume that if kids try hard, they will be able to achieve their goals properly. In the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall elaborate on the pros and cons of
this
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 matter. On the one hand,
firstly
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, it is obvious that if we encourage our younger generations, we will be able to support them to gain more success in their lives.
In other words
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, supportive actions will help them to promote their cooperative sensations. So, it is crucial to focus on these characteristics to achieve their long-term purposes.
Secondly
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, if we ask them to try harder for their prospects, we will activate their sense of responsibility, as it would be profitable for their mental well-being.
This
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 feeling will improve their self-esteem, and it will let them explore their path much better.
For example
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, in the USA, some parents tend to monitor their kids through practical actions,
such
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 as purchasing gifts for them. These prizes will allow them to make a mistake in finding the best route.
On the other hand
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, it is necessary to pay attention that if our children can not achieve their goals through hard work, their ambitions and motivations will be killed.
Thus
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, it is important to consider realistic targets.
Also
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, if we are not able to find a proper way for our future in terms of our aims, we have to consult with a psychologist to decrease depression.
Therefore
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, it is significant to avoid imaginary objectives
due to
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 psychological diseases that can cause our souls suffering.
For instance
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, in India, some therapists argue that it is better to choose optimum goals since it will be useful regarding our well-being. In conclusion, it is advisable to opt for optimal targets that can be achievable through hard work.
Moreover
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, we have to pay attention to how destructive it is if our endeavour will not be successful in terms of mental illnesses.

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task achievement
In your introduction, make the essay's stance more evident by stating whether you agree or disagree with the idea of telling children they can achieve anything if they try hard enough.
task achievement
Try to develop each point more fully with additional supporting details or examples to make your argument stronger.
coherence cohesion
Ensure the essay follows a clear and logical structure, and make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea which is expanded upon.
coherence cohesion
Use more varied transitional phrases to create smoother connections between ideas and paragraphs, to improve the overall coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced view by presenting both the advantages and disadvantages of the topic, which is an essential part of addressing the task fully.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and do a good job of framing the essay and summarizing the key points discussed.
task achievement
The examples provided in the body paragraphs are relevant and help to illustrate your points.
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