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Band 4.5

The amount of money that a children's charity located in the USA spent and received in one year, 2016.

#amount #money #children #charity #usa #year
The pie charts detail the incomes and uses of youth charities located in the USA during 2016. The data reveals a clear relationship between earnings and the receive Turning first of all to the expend, it can be seen that there are mostly 3 expenses, program services, fundraising and management and general. At the same time, over 95 per cent of the expenditure is spent on program services which trend the youth charity. As far as the use of money is concerned, the
income
 chart shows that the donation of food is making the biggest part of the revenue with 86 per cent. To the second value, community contributions have one over ten of the total
income
. At the other end of the scale, investment
income
 and government
income
 have the same proportion of 0.2 per cent. By way of summary, from the information provided in the pie charts, it can be seen that the total revenue sources have a slightly larger value rather than the expenditures.
Submitted by yusei.nakano on

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task achievement
The essay contains some inaccuracies and awkward phrases that can affect clarity. Phrases such as 'earnings and the receive' and 'trend the youth charity' should be corrected for better understanding.
task achievement
Make sure each point is fully developed. For example, elaborate on how the expenditure supports the youth charity.
coherence cohesion
The essay needs a clearer structure with well-defined paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one main point, either describing incomes or expenditures.
coherence cohesion
Ensure you have both an introduction and a conclusion that effectively summarize the content of the essay.
task achievement
The essay identifies the key components of income and expenditure for the children's charity.
coherence cohesion
The essay makes use of comparative language effectively, such as 'biggest part of the revenue' and 'at the other end of the scale.'

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • donations
  • grants
  • fundraising events
  • expenditure
  • administration costs
  • program expenses
  • direct benefits
  • indirect benefits
  • underprivileged children
  • education
  • healthcare
  • shelter
  • nourishment
  • medical treatments
  • basic needs
  • financial sustainability
  • transparency
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