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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

It has been suggested that primary school children should be taught how to grow vegetables and keep animals. To what extent the advantages outweigh its disadvantages.

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Some people argue that teenagers should learn how to cultivate plants and care for
animals
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.
Although
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 some other
subjects
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 are more important for seeking a job, I believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks because these
children
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 become more responsible for
nature
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 and these
subjects
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 are fun. On the one hand, the younger generation needs to learn about
technology
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 and science topics which are basic demands in order to work in prestigious companies. Nowadays, the majority of high-tech companies are related to science,
technology
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 and programming,
therefore
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 they would rather employ someone who is an expert in these kinds of fields.
As a result
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,
subjects
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 related to
technology
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 can affect their future and they should be the main
courses
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 in primary or elementary school.
For instance
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, various cutting-edge companies like Apple and Microsoft focus on
technology
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 and they hire people who are professionals in these fields.
On the other hand
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, learning how to cultivate and care for
animals
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 brings some benefits.
Firstly
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, if
children
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 become familiar with
animals
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, vegetables, and their
nature
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, they will be more responsible for them.
In other words
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, learning about these issues culminates in increasing their passion for
nature
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 and gardening.
In addition
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, some people particularly teenagers have no knowledge about looking
animals
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 after and learning these
subjects
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 can assist them in looking after their pets.
Moreover
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, learning these
subjects
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 is fun and interesting.
That is
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 to say, attending these
courses
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 is like a leisure activity for
children
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 and it can impact their efficiency in other
subjects
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.
For example
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, in the majority of schools in the UK,
children
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 attending some agriculture
courses
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 are compulsory because
children
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 do some physical activities and release their pent-up energy. In my opinion, attending some
courses
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 related to
animals
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 and vegetables is necessary for both increasing
children
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's efficiency and forming them to be responsible for
nature
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. In conclusion,
while
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 some other
courses
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 like science and
technology
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 are more important to gain suitable jobs,
children
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 should attend some classes related to agriculture and looking after
animals
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 to be concerned about
nature
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 and release their pent-up energy to increase their performance, because of that the positive points outweigh its negative points.

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coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are strong, ensure every paragraph follows a logical flow. Use more transitional phrases to knit ideas together within paragraphs.
task achievement
Though your arguments are well-stated, you can increase sophistication by using a wider range of vocabulary and complex sentence structures.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are clear and concise, encapsulating the main idea effectively.
task achievement
You have used relevant and specific examples to support your arguments, making them more convincing.
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