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Band 4.5

many people think having enough money brings happiness but others think too much money can bring problems.do you agree or disagree?

#people #money #happiness
nowadays,
money
 can a play crucial role in
people
's lives. many individuals are of the opinion that having enough
money
 may create a lot of happiness
while
 others
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that having a great deal of
money
 can bring problems.
in
Capitalize word
In
show examples
 my opinion ,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 consider that enough
money
 can help
people
 to have a better
life
. on the one hand, many
people
 think that having a
amount
Correct word choice
large amount
show examples
 of
money
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
 can be
key
Correct article usage
a key
show examples
stesp
Correct your spelling
steps
step
 toward
happy
Add an article
a happy
show examples
life
. because when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 have suitable
money
 they can
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
acess
Correct your spelling
access
 all
sort
Fix the agreement mistake
sorts
show examples
 of facilities , ranging from
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
show examples
 and pool to
cafe
Fix the agreement mistake
cafes
show examples
 and
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
. so , they can
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 some
funny
Correct word choice
fun
show examples
 time in different places to have
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
feels
Replace the word
feeling
show examples
. since there is
clearly
Correct article usage
a clearly
show examples
 recognizable
realationship
Correct your spelling
relationship
 between the rate of
money
 and
wealfare
Correct your spelling
welfare
.
in other words
, the more we have
money
 , the less we have stress in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
 .
that is
 why ,
benfeting
Correct your spelling
benefiting
 from
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
certain
money
 may result in
comfortable
Add an article
a comfortable
show examples
life
. on the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
, it is sometimes
belive
Verb problem
believed
show examples
 that benefiting a large amount of
money
 in their
life
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
leads to creating
a massive problems
Correct the article-noun agreement
a massive problem
massive problems
show examples
. because having
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of
money
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 them to do different cosmetic surgeries, like nose
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
that is
 why, they will be faced with many problems.not only physical
promblem
Correct your spelling
problem
problems
, but
also
 mental disorders, the most common one is
depressin
Correct your spelling
depression
depressing
depressed
.
therefore
 many
people
 most of the time do not have satisfaction
about
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their appearance and they always try to find
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to look
beautiful
Correct quantifier usage
more beautiful
show examples
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
people
. in conclusion,
although
people
 may vary
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their opinion,having enough
money
 can create a great deal of
happinse
Correct your spelling
happiness
 for
evey
Correct your spelling
every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 in their
life
 because it is
Correct article usage
a save
show examples
save
Replace the word
safe
show examples
 way for any
persons
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 to avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
temptation during their
lives
Fix the agreement mistake
life
show examples
.
Submitted by salehmiri1995 on

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grammar
Ensure clarity and correct any grammatical mistakes for better understanding.
coherence
Enhance coherence and cohesion by using appropriate linking words and phrases to connect ideas smoothly.
examples
Provide more specific and detailed examples to strengthen your arguments.
balance
You have presented a balanced view by discussing both perspectives on the topic.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion are present and align with the essay topic.
relevance
The main ideas in your paragraphs relate directly to the essay question, showing task relevance.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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