IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries fast food restaurants and supermarkets give money to schools to promote their product. Do you think it’s a positive or negative development of children ?

#countries #food #restaurants #supermarkets #money #schools #product #it’s #development #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued that supermarkets and fast
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Use synonyms
 pay schools for advertising their product.
This
Linking Words
 essay totally disagrees with that statement. I believe young adults and
children
Use synonyms
 should have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 possibility to make their own decisions about what they want to eat and
school
Use synonyms
 as a public place does not have the right to prohibit any advertising, even junk
food
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
,
money
Use synonyms
 for promotion can be used to improve
school
Use synonyms
 conditions.
Children
Use synonyms
 should see fast
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Use synonyms
 and restaurant advertisements in
school
Use synonyms
 and
additionally
Linking Words
 should be aware of the consequences how unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 . What's more the teacher in a
school
Use synonyms
 should be a role model for students and promote a healthy lifestyle, every child has the ability to make their own choices. During the
school
Use synonyms
 year,
children
Use synonyms
 should create healthy habits and be aware of how fast-
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Use synonyms
 can impact their lives. Schools for promotion of fast
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Use synonyms
 and supermarkets earn some amount of
money
Use synonyms
.
School
Use synonyms
 principals and teachers can spend some amount of
money
Use synonyms
 on building improvement or can buy some additional things for
children
Use synonyms
. Every single penny is important , especially in a public
school
Use synonyms
, so educational institutions should use every possibility to help their students and raise the level of education. It is very important because can help
children
Use synonyms
 achieve better marks and get better jobs in future. In conclusion, promoting fast
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Use synonyms
 and supermarkets in a
school
Use synonyms
 is generally a good idea. It is a great possibility for a
school
Use synonyms
 to earn additional
money
Use synonyms
 and allows
children
Use synonyms
 to make their own decisions about their diet. When
children
Use synonyms
 achieve a proper level of knowledge, they should be aware of eating junk
food
Use synonyms
Submitted by dariusz.slusar on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your essay provides a complete response to the prompt, it would benefit from including more specific examples to support your points. Specific examples can strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure your ideas are more clearly organized and logically structured. Transitions between points could be smoother to improve the overall coherence. Consider using more paragraphing to separate different points and arguments.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively summarize the main points of your essay. This helps to frame your response well for the reader.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt effectively and provides a complete response, discussing both the potential benefits and drawbacks.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • conflict of interest
  • corporate marketing strategies
  • extracurricular programs
  • nutritional information
  • paradox
  • brand loyalty
  • sugar, fat, and sodium
  • health problems
  • educational messages
What to do next:
Look at other essays: