IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

There is still a certain section of the society which lives under poverty despite the fact that countries where people belonging to this section live are becoming richer.Why do you think this happens and what can wealthy societies do to help their poorer members?

#section #society #lives #poverty #fact #countries #people #societies #members
Throughout the world, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 still plenty of poor populations despite the fact that in these countries the majority of
people
 live on welfare and continue increasing their wealth. I personally believe that
this
 condition happened because of government policy and the rich
community
 can help by giving funds to a variety of charities. On the
one
 hand, government policy mostly encourages wealthy
people
. Many developed countries use a policy of capitalism that supports populations who make more capital. As years passed most of the country's wealth gathered in the little portion of the society making the rich
community
 that owns almost all.
This
 kind of action left other nations in poverty without any chance of owning property.
For example
, in my neighbourhood,
one
 rich man bought all the supermarkets that sell food and is about to build another
one
 local minimarkets have given up their businesses because of competition.
On the other hand
, the rich
community
 can help the poor society in many ways. Most of the rich
people
 are entrepreneurs and they help the nation in poverty by establishing charities that financially support the poor public. Everyone knows that big charities take a significant portion of wages from donations by wealthy societies.
Furthermore
, rich
people
 are
also
 really keen on building new businesses that create new job opportunities for
community
Add an article
the community
show examples
.
For instance
, in the news, I see almost every day
one
 of the celebrities or rich businessmen giving huge amounts of money to a charity which helps children suffering from cancer.
To conclude
,
although
 rich
people
 possess more properties than is necessary, they can
also
useful
Add a missing verb
be useful
show examples
 in terms of supporting
community
Correct article usage
a community
show examples
 that lives in poor conditions.
Submitted by Teo Halimov on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While the essay provides a reasonable discussion on why poor populations exist despite wealth, ensure to offer more elaboration and depth on the reasons for poverty and the complexities of government policies.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate more logical structuring of ideas, e.g., dividing the essays into clear paragraphs covering distinct points for easier reading and understanding.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the linkages between paragraphs and ideas to offer smoother transitions and a more cohesive overall argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and a conclusion, which frame the main discussion well.
task achievement
Supported main points with examples, such as referencing charity work done by celebrities and rich businessmen, which adds some specificity to the argument.
task achievement
Clear ideas that demonstrate an understanding of the topic, providing points about government policies, capitalism, and charity work.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Unequal distribution
  • Wealth concentration
  • Economic disparity
  • Marginalized communities
  • Social welfare programs
  • Cycle of poverty
  • High-paying jobs
  • Affordable healthcare
  • Economic growth
  • Social mobility
  • Employment opportunities
  • Discrimination
  • Quality education
  • Access to healthcare
  • Government policies
What to do next:
Look at other essays: