Many people think that successful people’s accomplishments depend on the regions they come from, while other people think that it doesn’t matter where a person comes from, if that person has the will to succeed, he/she will triumph. What do you think?.

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It is a
common
Change the adjective
commonly

The adjective common is modifying held instead of a noun or pronoun. Use an adverb to modify a verb, adjective, or other adverb.

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held belief that
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's origins play important roles in making them successful, but many
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

argue that it is the will to thrive that
lead
Replace the word
leads

The word lead doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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individuals to accomplish their dreams. In my opinion, I strongly advocate that
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

can achieve what they want regardless of where they come from. Nowadays, as the world is flat
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

technological advances, opportunities are becoming borderless. In fact, the Internet has allowed
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from every corner of the world to reach the needed support to achieve their dreams,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as scholarships or job opportunities.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there are various financial funds for students from developing countries including South Africa to pursue tertiary education, and prestigious universities have seen
the
Correct article usage
a

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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significant
increased
Replace the word
increase

The word increased doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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in international freshmen every year.
Consequently
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
ambitous
Correct your spelling
ambitious

If you don’t want ambitous to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

students can develop their full potential
utilizing
Change preposition
by utilizing

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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said resources.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the current movements toward promoting mankind's equality
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

have
huge
Add an article
a huge

The noun phrase huge impact seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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impact. Many talent acquisition programs have reached out to
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

from different places in order to create a good public image. To illustrate, YG entertainment company- a Korean
idols
Change the noun form
idol

Your sentence appears to use the incorrect form of idols. Consider changing it to singular.

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agency have been recruiting trainees from
South East
Correct your spelling
Southeast

The word South East doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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Asia countries to promote diversity in their talent profiles, giving young individuals from small countries the rare
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance

It seems that chances may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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to become
super stars
Correct your spelling
superstars

The word super stars seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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. Those efforts have definitely succeeded , as one of the international trainees has become the
arguetably
Correct your spelling
arguably

If you don’t want arguetably to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

greatest female
idols
Fix the agreement mistake
idol

It seems that idols may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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in history- Lisa Manoban from Thailand.
Hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the dreams of becoming
the
Correct article usage
an

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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international
household's
Change noun form
household

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

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names
Fix the agreement mistake
name

It seems that names may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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have never been more realistic for anyone as long as they are willing to work hard. In conclusion, it is my
strongly
Change the adverb
strong

It appears that the adverb strongly is attempting to modify the noun belief. Consider replacing the adverb with an adjective.

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belief that it is the will and
hardwork
Correct your spelling
hard work

If you don’t want hardwork to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

that will bring everyone the success they want, and their birthplaces are no longer a barrier.

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grammar
Be cautious with minor grammatical errors and typos to maintain the flow and clarity of your ideas.
task response
Expanding a bit more on the examples could make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
coherence
The essay has a clear structure with a strong introduction and conclusion, which helps in presenting your argument effectively.
coherence
Your points are logically organized and well-supported with relevant examples, making the essay flow smoothly from one point to another.
task response
You have provided a thorough response to the task, addressing both perspectives and presenting a well-argued opinion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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