Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?
Nowadays, more
children
waste hours on their gadgets. From my point of view, this
is the negative development which leads to isolation
and illness on
some organs of Change preposition
in
children
.
One severe problem, that can occur in
a result of spending time on Change preposition
as
smartphones
is isolation
. Watching videos and playing mobile games on smartphones
every day is a reason for isolation
. Children
must enhance their social skills by socializing with other people instead
of scrolling up phones. If a child ameliorates teamwork skills and able
to collaborate and negotiate with other Add a missing verb
is able
children
unlikely to be isolated. Isolation
as followed
produces depression and uncertain Add the comma(s)
, as followed,
demeanor
Change the spelling
demeanour
of
Change preposition
in
children
who are growing as individuals. So, it would be the pathway of intricated
maze which is directed to the pile of trouble.
Another issue is that watching Add an article
the intricated
an intricated
smartphones
many
hours can be risky because of backlash to the parts of Change preposition
for many
organism
. Add an article
the organism
an organism
In other words
, organs such
as eyes and spin lost
their ability to work well. They do not understand the negative effects of Wrong verb form
lose
smartphones
and its
role. It is concerning not just for themselves Correct pronoun usage
their
of
Correct your spelling
or
children
, it is a big problem for parents too. Curing them requires a high price and a long time. Correct pronoun usage
their children
Furthermore
, the elements of illness in childhood will remain in the following years and they will have to rehabilitate the insufficient sides of the physiognomy.
In conclusion, although
it has become normal for children
utilize
telephones many hours, Fix the infinitive
to utilize
although
it has too many problems and Correct word choice
apply
showing
more negative expectations.Wrong verb form
shows
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task achievement
Your main points are clear, but you could provide more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you could mention specific studies or statistics related to the impact of excessive smartphone use on children's social skills and health.
coherence cohesion
Try to provide more detailed explanations and link your ideas more cohesively. For example, you could have separate paragraphs for each main point with clear topic sentences and supporting details.
coherence cohesion
Improving your grammar and vocabulary would enhance clarity. For instance, 'watching smartphones many hours' is better stated as 'spending many hours on smartphones,' and 'the pathway of intricated maze' could be simplified to 'a complicated path.'
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with a clear introduction and conclusion, and you have addressed the prompt's questions directly.
task achievement
You have identified two major issues (isolation and health risks) and attempted to elaborate on them, which shows a good understanding of the task.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.