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Band 5.5

Some people think that it is beneficial for children to do paid work, while others think that it can be harmful for children.

#people #children #work
The debate surrounding leading young
children
 to do some paid
work
 is a noteworthy discussion. Some people believe that it is beneficial for
children
while
 others think it is harmful for them. In
this
 essay's argument, the benefit of
this
 statement is outweighed by the drawback because of their
lacking
Replace the word
lack of
show examples
 experience. It is easy to understand that young
children
 want to have
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 independent life soon by making money as soon as possible. To explain,
children
's passion is really strong, they always want to prove themself to have an income nowadays.
Additionally
, If they get money from their job through many
hard-
Correct your spelling
hard work
show examples
work
 days,
this
moneymoney
Correct your spelling
money
 will be very meaningful.
For example
,
children
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 the
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 of 15-
17
Correct word choice
and 17
show examples
also
finding
Wrong verb form
find
show examples
work
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
show examples
 stores to have more salary for continuing studying or even entertainment.
As a result
, living with their own money can make them become more mature and
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not rely on their family. Far away from benefits,
due to
 the fact that they are too young and do not have much experience to start working.
This
 is because almost all teenagers start doing
work
 in a pressured situation. Another possible issue is that the time
children
 spend
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
working prevents them from focusing on their school
work
. Having a good education is the key to a successful future so being employed as a child can result in poor academic performance which can be harmful in the long run.
For instance
, they have to study and
work
 at the same time,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to their quality of
work
 and
also
 study being affected negatively.
As a consequence
, their time management will be uncontrolled.
Although
 there are many positive effects of
this
 statement
such
 as helping parents and proving their ability, the reason for lacking experience totally
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 the advantages.
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Grammar
Try to reduce minor grammatical errors and improve sentence structures for clarity.
Vocabulary
Use more varied vocabulary to better convey your arguments and make your essay more engaging.
Coherence
Ensure that all points made are directly relevant and linked back to the main argument. This will enhance coherence.
Content
Good understanding of the topic is demonstrated.
Organization
Clear structure with an introduction and conclusion.
Examples
Relevant examples are provided, which strengthen the arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • beneficial
  • harmful
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • financial independence
  • responsibility
  • valuable skills
  • impact
  • education
  • exploitation
  • negative effects
  • social life
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