IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Most medical doctors want to work in cities where they will make a lot of money. Yet in many rural areas there are not enough doctors. What are the reasons for this problem? How can it be solved?

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Recently, earning a lot of money has become the main goal for many medical professionals, leading them to prefer to
work
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 in urban
areas
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.
However
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, countryside
areas
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 still have a high demand for
doctors
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.
This
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 issue is attributed to the high salaries and advanced
benefits
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 offered in cities.
Therefore
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, the writer recommends that local governments encourage
doctors
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 to
work
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 in rural
areas
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 by offering bonuses and
benefits
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. First and foremost, Manaphy stated in his 2008 book that the future would face a shortage of professional
doctors
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 willing to perform surgeries in remote
areas
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.
This
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 could happen because the local population cannot afford the cost of surgery, resulting in
doctors
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 not getting paid.
This
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 is currently happening in Indonesia, particularly in North Sulawesi Province.
Additionally
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, urban
areas
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 provide more
benefits
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such
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 as insurance, reimbursement for glasses, and fully covered medicines and vitamins.
Consequently
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, many nurses,
doctors
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, and health workers prefer to move to the capital city, where salaries are sufficient to support their families. To address these issues, it is suggested that the responsible government focus on financial incentives.
For example
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, promising high incomes to those who
work
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 in rural
areas
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 and help local communities, especially when a surgeon is needed.
Furthermore
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, they should be provided with the same
benefits
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 as in the city by optimizing the budget from the Indonesian Government. In conclusion, money has become the main reason why many medical workers, particularly
doctors
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, prefer to
work
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 in the capital city, despite the high demand for
doctors
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 in rural
areas
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.
This
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 is
due to
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 the higher incomes and better
benefits
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 available in cities.
However
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, there are solutions to these problems.
First,
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local governments should offer high incomes, and
second,
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they should provide the same
benefits
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 as those available in urban
areas
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.

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task achievement
For higher scores, ensure that each main point is deeply developed and accompanied by well-integrated specific examples. Providing more detailed statistics, expert quotes, or real-life examples can strongly underpin your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your paragraphs by ensuring clear topic sentences and smooth transitions between ideas. Making each paragraph focus on a single coherent idea can enhance readability.
introduction conclusion present
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the discussion, making it easy for the reader to understand your perspective from start to finish.
task achievement
Your ideas are communicated clearly and the essay addresses the prompt effectively with tangible solutions and reasons for the problem.
logical structure
The essay maintains a logical flow, making it easy for the reader to follow the argument.
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