IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that the government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. While other people think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both side and give your opinion.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children #fault #parents #side
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There are different opinions about the problem of
obesity
 in
children
. Some people blame the government for
this
,
whereas
 others, including me, believe it is the parent’s fault. On the one hand,
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 suffer from
obesity
, given the essential role of
parents
, which means they have more influence on
children
 than others.
Children
 are gullible and under the sole custody of
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
, so they imitate their parent’s
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 and imbibe their qualities into them in almost all aspects of their early life.
therefore
, if
parents
 have unhealthy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
show examples
 and indulge in fast food consumption, their
children
 are likely to
encourage
Wrong verb form
be encouraged
show examples
 to consume
such
 food.
Consequently
,
such
unhealthy
Correct article usage
an unhealthy
show examples
 eating diet can expose them to various diseases, including diabetes, cardiovascular,
obesity
Correct word choice
and obesity
show examples
.
On the other hand
, the responsibility for childhood
obesity
 can
attribute
Wrong verb form
be attributed
show examples
 to
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
 inadequate investment in healthcare. Insufficient access to healthcare services, particularly, prevention care and nutritional education, has created
barrier
Fix the agreement mistake
barriers
show examples
 for childhood
obesity
 effectively. The high costs associated with
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
treatment and
obesity
 medications exacerbate
this
 issue, as individuals often cannot afford
such
 costs and
as a result
 avoid seeking help from weight loss centers.
While
 some argue that the government is responsible for the rise in
obesity
due to
 its failure to prioritize healthcare investment, I do not consider
this
 a valid reason because fathers and mothers have the key role for their
children
 and their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 may have more impact on them. In conclusion,
although
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
parents
, in
turns
Fix the agreement mistake
turn
show examples
, have a responsibility to
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
involve
children
 in physical issues, I would argue that fathers and mothers have
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 valuable role owing to their
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
reflects
Wrong verb form
reflecting
show examples
 their upbringing.
Submitted by hongminh317 on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the use of transition statements between paragraphs to enhance the logical flow of the essay. For example, you can use phrases like 'Furthermore' or 'In addition' to connect ideas better.
task achievement
Pay attention to subject-verb agreement and correct use of possessive forms. For instance, 'childern suffer' should be 'children suffer' and 'parents have unhealthy lifestyle' should be 'parents have unhealthy lifestyles'.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion that frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a good understanding of the task requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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