IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, doctors can become very rich. Maybe they should not focus on profitable activities such as plastic surgery or looking after rich patients and concentrate more on patient's health, no matter how rich they are. Do you agree or disagree?

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In today's era, there is no doubt that medical professionals are becoming more wealthy. One group of
people
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 supports the idea that doctors should pay attention to the well-being of mankind with less money.
Although
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 other groups of individuals say that doctors have a right to choose their charges and prices for treatments, I firmly believe that it should depend on the doctor if they would rather volunteer for poor
people
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 or make money for a better future. First and foremost, proponents of the idea, which is about withdrawing non-academic courses from the
school
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 curriculum, claim that these courses will make individuals study long hours.
For example
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, pupils who have these subjects will spend most of their
time
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 in
school
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 or doing homework.
Due to
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 that, they will not be able to spend
time
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 with family, so when they have any personal problems or questions, elders cannot guide them, which will make them emotionally weak.
However
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,
this
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 issue can be easily solved if
school
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 management makes a balanced syllabus and course schedule. Turning to the other side of the coin, these extracurricular studies will help them develop practical
skills
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.
For instance
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, students will learn team-building
skills
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,
time
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 management
skills
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, communication
skills
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, and many more.
In addition
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, if young
people
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 do not try new activities at an early age, they will not be able to find their true passion for life,
such
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 as cooking, which will take
time
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 and practice, so it will be beneficial for young individuals to learn different kinds of courses. In conclusion, after manifesting both points, some
people
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 are in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of eliminating some subjects from the
school
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 list because students can spend quality
time
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 with family, but I'm totally disagreeing with
this
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 point of view. In my opinion, schools should make a balanced timetable for students, and extra subjects will help them find their career, which they will enjoy for the rest of their lives.

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task response
You should focus more on directly addressing the prompt. The essay deviated from the original topic about whether doctors should focus on profitable activities or concentrate on patients' health, regardless of their financial status. Make sure your arguments are directly tied to the topic.
task response
Work on providing clearer ideas that relate directly to the subject. The essay had good points but lacked direct relevance to the topic at hand. Stick to the topic and make your arguments directly relevant.
task response
Try to give more specific examples that are directly related to the main question about doctors and their focus on patient health versus profit. These examples should support your arguments effectively.
coherence cohesion
Structure your essay in a way that each paragraph has a clear main idea that ties back to the prompt. Your essay had a logical structure but did not stay on topic, which affected coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your position, and the conclusion summarizes your main points while linking back to the question. This essay had an introduction and conclusion, but they were not well-focused on the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each main point in your body paragraphs supports your overall stance and directly addresses the set task. This will improve the cohesion and coherence of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay had a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This layout helps to organize your ideas and makes the essay easier to read.
task response
You made an attempt to discuss both sides of an argument, which is good practice. Balanced discussion shows the ability to see different perspectives.
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