IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

#people #life #money
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Many experts say that having a decent bank balance is a significant way to be happy in
life
.
This
 essay will argue that it is true and having more
money
 means, living the
life
,you have imagined,
while
 healthy relationships and
respect
 in society are
also
 the source of
happiness
.
To begin
 with, financial freedom can make
people
 joyful in many ways.
Firstly
, individuals can live their dream
life
. Every person has their desires and plans to make their lives comfortable,if they have enough
money
,they can live their dream lives.
For example
, one of my cousins,he was wanted to live a happy
life
 with
money
,
therefore
 he moved abroad and became a registered nurse and now he is earning a seven-digit salary and living his best
life
.
Thus
,
money
 creates
happiness
 for
people
.
Moreover
, rich
people
 do not have any boundaries,which can stop them from being
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cheerful
people
.
However
,there are many other sources of pleasure rather than funds. First and foremost is a healthy relationship. Many individuals have their definitions of
happiness
 meaning healthy relationships with loved ones, family members and friends.
Furthermore
,another source of pleasure is having a
respect
 in the society.
Although
 the majority of folks are living in the modern era,there
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 some areas,where still
people
 are following an orthodox culture and for them,
respect
 is
happiness
.
To conclude
,
money
 is the primary key element for joyfulness, because it provides full freedom of
life
,
whereas
 other sources are equally necessary
such
 as strong relationships and
respect
 in society.
Submitted by pp6859 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear and logical structure. Some sentences are overly long and could be broken into shorter ones for clarity.
task achievement
Work on providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points. While your cousin’s example was relevant, adding more such examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation. Avoid the overuse of commas and ensure correct placement to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured, providing a clear idea of what the essay discusses and summing up the points effectively.
task achievement
The essay addresses both aspects of the task prompt: how money can contribute to happiness and what other factors contribute to it.
task achievement
The main points are generally clear and relevant to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
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