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Band 5

As is often said that “Prevention is better than cure,” For this reason, governments should spend national health budget more on the prevention of diseases than on treatment. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#“prevention #cure #reason #governments #health #budget #prevention #diseases #treatment
It is pointed out that preventing
disease
 is by far the most important factor than cure, thereby some
people
 argue that governments should spend tax more on the
prevention
 of ailments than on cure. Both
prevention
 and cure are important,
however
 I think governmental authorities should utilize national budgets for
treatments
.
Firstly
, some sophisticated
treatments
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 developed in these decades.
For instance
,
vaccine
Fix the agreement mistake
vaccines
show examples
 made us not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
care about viral diseases like smallpox, which was one of fatal diseases in history and killed millions of
people
 in the past.
Secondary
Replace the word
Secondly
show examples
,
people
 do not have to care about ailments if there
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 some effective
treatments
.
Although
 it takes
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time to develop these
treatments
,
development
Correct article usage
the development
show examples
 of these methods for care may be facilitated by subsidization from governments.
Finally
, patients are obliged to rely on doctors so that they can survive. To prepare for
such
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
, it is beneficial for medical
stuffs
Correct your spelling
staff
show examples
 and patients to have effective solutions for
disease
. Of course,
prevention
 like taking
checkup
Fix the agreement mistake
checkups
show examples
 regularly is
also
 essential to find
disease
.
Additionally
, patients could likely
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
take some effective countermeasures before deteriorating the ailment and the cost
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 treatment can be reduced.
Furthermore
, it is pointed out that
people
 tend to do sedentary work and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
do not exercise regularly in their daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
, thereby the importance of exercise may be increasing these days.
However
,
these
Change the determiner
this prevention
show examples
prevention
 can not be effective for all diseases. In conclusion, both treatment and
prevention
 are essential to avoid
disease
,
however
seeing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in the long run,
treatments
 should be subsidized
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 so that
people
 can survive from
disease
.
Submitted by kanchanakularathna1991 on

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task achievement
Try to provide more detailed examples to support your points. This will help to illustrate your arguments more effectively.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is generally well-organized, make sure to link your ideas more smoothly. Using transition words appropriately can enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Elaborate on your main points more clearly. Some of your points are not fully developed and could benefit from additional explanation.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear structure in your essay, with a distinct introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced perspective.
task achievement
The ideas presented are relevant to the topic and show a good understanding of the subject matter.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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