IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has a connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss both these views and give your opinion. (Steve no copyright)

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In today’s society, there
two
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are two
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 various views in relation to triumph.
While
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 some individuals think that
success
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 is related to hard work and determination others opine that
success
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 has a connection with wealth and personal features. In my opinion, the first viewpoint contains some more inherent advantages than the latter one. The biggest virtue is that everyone must try to be
determind
Correct your spelling
determined
 to
complate
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complete
 any task he starts, even when things get tough he never gives up, if the person improves his personal skills.
For instance
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,
this
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 determination makes him hard-working and causes
to
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him to
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 set high goals for himself in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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life.
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Additionally
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Additionally,
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 you can
creat
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create
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 life which is full of
with
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apply
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your achievements. In short, all people and you are proud of yourself because of your effort and
success
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. On the flip side, some of the advantages of money and personal appearance can turn out to be disadvantages if someone cannot raise his personal skills.
For example
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, having
affluent
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an affluent
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 family cannot cause
that
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apply
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you
get
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to get
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 a high score in your exams
in
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at
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 the university.
Furthermore
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, if you only depend on money and personal appearance, you definitely will be lazy. Because you never try in order to achieve
to
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apply
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triumph by personal skill.
In contrast
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, you tend to spend money
for
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on
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 everything you need without any try. In conclusion, after analyzing both sides of the
argumets
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arguments
argument
 it is not hard to see that
a
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apply
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real
success
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 is built
according to
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 effort and
persistance
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persistence
 by personal skills.
However
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, wealth and personal features are only able to provide a negligible number of
economical
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economic
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 and social facilities.

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clear comprehensive ideas
Ensure that your ideas are clearly and comprehensively expressed. Some sentences are a bit unclear and could be rephrased for better understanding.
relevant specific examples
When presenting support for your arguments, try to provide more specific and relevant examples to strengthen your points.
logical structure
Ensure the logical structure of your essay is coherent. Some transitions between ideas are abrupt and can be smoothed out for better flow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are both present and well-defined, setting the context and summarizing the points effectively.
complete response
The essay broadly covers both views on success, providing a fair and balanced discussion.
supported main points
Your main points are supported and not left hanging, giving overall coherence to the essay.
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