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Writing Samples
Band 6

In some countries, people think women should have equality with men, in particular, equal rights to work as police officers or serve in the Army. Others think women are not suitable for such jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Whether there should be any discrimination between genders regarding their choice of career paths or not is a controversial topic. The writer of
this
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 essay believes that despite the diverse perspectives offered when giving
women
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 free will to work
as
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whatever they want, some limits should be considered
due to
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 the nature of specific jobs which require physical strength and analytical thinking. Since it is a common notion that
woman
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women
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is
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a
creature
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creatures
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 of emotions, various occupations relating to logical reasoning seem to be unsuitable for them.
In other words
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, unlike men who are usually stereotyped to be cold and objective in making a decision,
women
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 tend to be driven by their personal feelings and moods.
As a result
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, the nature of many jobs
such
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 as judge and magistrate which demand equality and impartiality can be impaired unless females are highly trained for them.
However
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, many think that by bringing
women
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 to the table unique perspectives can be brought about to help with the creativity of the workplace. To explain
further
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, it is evident
women
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 have very different ways of seeing an issue owing to their distinct viewpoints regarding the world,
therefore
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, they would certainly benefit the problem-solving process as a wider range of options and solutions can be seen, which results in more thorough analysis and ultimately better decision-making.
For instance
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, America is known for promoting gender diversity in its constabulary investigation department, which is considered the main factor contributing to its incredible success rate. It is the opinion of
this
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 writer that physical fitness has always been a huge challenge for
women
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 compared to men. Simply put,
while
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position
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positions
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 like police or soldier heavily depend on one’s sturdiness to be performed, several science-backed studies indicate that, on average, females are weaker than males biologically.
Therefore
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, if there were no restrictions on the minimum strength state of a lady when employing her into
such
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 intense positions, their efficiency would deteriorate since more than one female officer would be required to do the work of a male one. In conclusion,
although
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women
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 can extend the number of approaches to a problem in some jobs, their limits in body strength and emotional control are why there should be regulations for them when it comes to vocations that ask for physical courage
along with
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 critical thinking.

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task achievement
Your essay presents both sides of the argument and clearly states your opinion, which is well done! However, ensure that explanations are consistently backed with specific reasons or examples. This will strengthen your task response further.
coherence cohesion
While your ideas are well-organized overall, some parts could benefit from smoother transitions. For instance, using cohesive devices like 'Moreover,' 'Additionally,' or 'On the other hand' can make your essay flow more naturally.
task achievement
You might consider providing more developed examples to support your points. This will make your arguments stronger and more persuasive. For example, in the second body paragraph, you mentioned America's investigation department but didn't go into much detail.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay but try to avoid simply repeating points you have already made. Instead, consider integrating your insights into a concise overview or suggestion for future consideration.
task achievement
You have presented both perspectives on the issue clearly, which is very important for an IELTS task 2 essay. This shows your understanding of the topic and your ability to analyze different viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
The introduction is clear and sets the stage for the discussion effectively. It's clear what stance you're taking, which helps guide the reader through the essay.
task achievement
Your ideas are well-developed, and you provide a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of women working in traditionally male-dominated fields.
coherence cohesion
You have a good range of vocabulary and sentence structure, which makes your writing engaging and dynamic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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