IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that individuals today are more dependent on each other. Others believe people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #individuals
Individuals' dependency in the contemporary world has been argued by members of society. There are mixed opinions about
this
 topic,
while
 many
people
 think that in
this
 age and
day
Add a comma
day,
show examples
 human beings are less dependent on each other, others think the opposite. In
this
 essay,
this
 writer will discuss both sides and state my view. It is undeniable that the invention of the internet and social media has a considerable influence on its users, especially the young generation. The trend of flexing
perfect
Correct article usage
a perfect
show examples
, flawless and affluent life goes viral on the internet,
along with
 beauty standards being set by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
models and actors/actresses leading many
people
 to extreme decisions namely plastic surgery, or
fake
Wrong verb form
faking
show examples
 up their life.
Furthermore
, the baby-boom generation is
also
 surrounded by the internet and technology that help them to live a more convenient life that they may not survive without. These facts are showing how vulnerable and dependent
people
 nowadays are.
By contrast
, there are figures proving that
people
 are more independent
compares
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to the past. Research pointed out that more than 70% of
people
 move out and set up their own lives by the age of 18,
while
 only 40%
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 recorded in the
last
 decade. Asian countries, which are famous for getting married early and living in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
extended
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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,
for example
,
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 witnessed a lower
married
Replace the word
marriage
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 rate in the
last
 20 years owing to the fact that
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 in
this
 society
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more confident and do not need a man to cover for
her
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. If they received more education, they would be more independent and free.
Therefore
this
 is now a trend in Asia of career-minded women. In sum,
while
 the mental health of
people
 in modern society is manipulated by a lot of marketing,
advertisings
Fix the agreement mistake
advertising
show examples
 and social media, they still show positive signs of
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
self-determination.
Therefore
, I am more inclined to believe in the self-rule and independence of
this
 generation.

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task achievement
Your essay comprehensively covers both views, but ensuring more detailed support for each point can strengthen your argument. Provide additional examples and explanations to further specify your points.
coherence and cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, work on using more varied and sophisticated linking words and phrases. This can improve the flow and make your points more easily understood.
introduction and conclusion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame your essay well.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant examples to support your points, which is necessary for a well-rounded argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interconnected
  • globalization
  • remote work
  • independence
  • dependency
  • specialization
  • professional services
  • social validation
  • individualism
  • self-reliance
  • collective action
  • sustainability
  • global community
  • navigating
  • complexity
  • environmental movement
What to do next:
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