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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT INDIVIDUALS TODAY ARE MORE DEPENDENT ON EACH OTHER. OTHERS BELIEVE PEOPLE HAVE BEOME MORE INDEPENDENT. DISCUSS BOTH VIEWS AND GIVE YOURS OWN OPINION.

#people #individuals #beome
IN AN EVER-PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY, WHETHER HUMAN BEINGS ARE BECOMING DEPENDENT OR INDEPENDENT IS A DEBATABLE CONTROVERSY
AMONG
Change preposition
IN
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 THE COMMUNITY. IN LIGHT OF
THIS
, THE AUTHOR CONTEND THAT
PEOPLE
 NOWADAYS TEND TO DEPEND ON HUMANS AND THINGS
DUE TO
GLOBALISATION
 AND TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT, DESPITE OTHERS ASSUMING THAT SOCIETY IS MORE LIKELY TO BE INDEPENDENT IN ORDER TO DEAL WITH WORKLOAD. IT IS VITAL TO UNDERSTAND THAT
GLOBALISATION
 IS ONE OF THE MAIN FACTORS LEADING TO A DEPENDABLE LIFESTYLE. PARTICULARLY,
GLOBALISATION
 POSE A CRISIS OF RAPID INCREMENT IN COST OF LIVING. AS A NATURAL OUTCOME OF
THIS
,
PEOPLE
 HAVE TO FOSTER A SENSE OF UNITY IN ORDER TO REDUCE FINANCIAL HARDSHIP AND BURDENS.
ACCORDING TO
 A PRESTIGE ARTICLE FROM NEW YORK REALING THAT OVER 80% OF PARENTS IN NEW YORK ARE COMBINING THEIR INCOME TO DEAL WITH
THE
Correct article usage
apply
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DAILY EXPENSES. SOME
PEOPLE
,
HOWEVER
, JUSTIFIED THAT EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF DEADLINE FORCING
PEOPLE
 TO WORK INDEPENDENTLY.
THIS
 IS BASED ON A COMMON BELIEF THAT THE MORE
PEOPLE
 PARTAKE IN AN ACTIVITY THE EASIER
PEOPLE
 BECOME DISTRACTED
DUE TO
 CHATTING AND CONVERSATIONS AMONG MEMBERS.
THIS
 IS TRUE TO A CERTAIN, BUT
PEOPLE
 IN A TEAM CAN FOSTER A SENSE OF TEAMWORK THROUGH DISCUSSIONS, DISTRIBUTING TASKS, ADJUSTING AND FINALIZING RESULTS.
THEREFORE
, THE EFFICIENCY AND PRODUCTIVITY WILL BE REINFORCED, MAKING TASK COMPLETION EASIER. ANOTHER FACTOR WORTH CONSIDERING IS THAT SOCIETY NOT ONLY RELY ON OTHERS BUT
ALSO
 DEPENDS ON TECHNOLOGICAL ADVANCEMENT. TO BE SPECIFIC, HUMAN
BEING
Fix the agreement mistake
BEINGS
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IS
Wrong verb form
ARE
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 NOW STICKING WITH INTELLIGENT DEVICES IN ORDER TO COMPLETE THEIR PURPOSES . AS
THE
Correct article usage
A
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 RESULT OF
THIS
 CIRCUMSTANCE,
PEOPLE
 WILL HAVE
AHIGHER
Correct your spelling
A HIGHER
 CHANCE OF BECOMING OVERRELIANT ON SMART DEVICES TO COPE WITH VARIOUS TYPES OF QUESTS RANGING FROM DAILY TO VOCATIONAL REQUESTS.
ACCORDING TO
 MY PRIOR EXPERIENCE,
PEOPLE
 USE SATNAV EXCESSIVELY
ALTHOUGH
 THEY ARE JUST GOING TO THE NEARLY MARKET. TAKING ALL POINTS INTO ACCOUNT,
GLOBALISATION
 AND TECHNOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS ARE ESSENTIAL POINTS WORTH CONSIDERING.
HENCE
, IT HAS BEEN CLEARLY DEMONSTRATED THAT
HUMAN
Correct article usage
THE HUMAN
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 RACE ARE BECOMING DEPENDENT.

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coherence cohesion
You may want to reorganize your ideas to ensure a smoother progression and clearer distinction between different arguments. For example, the paragraph on globalization could be more focused on just this topic without drifting into other areas.
coherence cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to avoid monotony. This will make your essay more engaging and easier to read.
task achievement
Pay close attention to the accuracy of certain vocabulary terms and grammatical structures. For example, 'pose a crisis' is not used correctly here. It would be better to say 'poses challenges' or 'creates issues'.
task achievement
Strong, relevant examples are provided to support your points, making your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively frame your argument.
task achievement
The essay provides a balanced view by discussing both sides of the issue before giving your own opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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