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Band 6

Some people believe arts such as painting and music cannot directly improve the quality of people's lives so that government money should be spent on other things. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #arts #music #quality #lives #government #money
It is thought by some
people
 that the governments should not spend
money
 on arts
such
 as painting and music and it is better if they use
money
 on something useful that will improve the quality of
people
's lives. From my perspective, I strongly agree with
this
 notion and
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
 will be outlined in the following paragraphs before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are a number of problems in society that await authorities to organise and one of the most significant is public
transport
. To elaborate
further
, most public vehicles' engines are outdated and unperformed, and
therefore
 they need to be overhauled in order to reduce exhaust fumes produced by those engines, causing air pollution.
Moreover
, public
transport
 is essential
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 all dwellers to commute back and forth and
hence
 it should be set in, covering all city and rural areas.
For example
, in Bangkok, a number of outdated buses are still running and they produce a lot of exhaust fumes, badly affecting individuals' respiratory systems.
Besides
, some areas still do not have comprehensive
transport
 systems to ease
people
 from commuting from their homes to workplaces.
Additionally
, another
support
Change the verb form
supporting
show examples
 reason to support my idea is to promote tourism. To explain in greater detail, convincing vacationers to our communities can boost jobs and revenue of local
people
 in
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 areas.
Furthermore
, the more travellers coming to cities, the more investors invest in
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 zones;
as a result
, those cities will grow and develop rapidly, improving locals' quality of life.
For example
, in recent years, numerous sightseers have been coming to my city contributing to investors
see
Wrong verb form
seeing
show examples
 the opportunities to invest their
money
 in
this
 area.
Thus
, plenty of facilities and amenities that help and ease our lives have sprung up and many locals have more jobs to apply for.
Overall
, it is a fact that spending
money
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 arts is not necessary. In my opinion, I agree with
this
 viewpoint as the states have many paramount issues to tackle or alleviate, namely public
transport
 and tourism, to improve the quality of
people
's lives.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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task achievement
The essay extensively covers the main points for the argument against spending government money on arts. However, ensure that in the introduction and conclusion, the topic of arts is clearly connected to the argument about prioritizing other issues like public transportation and tourism to avoid any ambiguity.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence, ensure transitions between ideas are smooth. While your essay is generally well-structured, some sentences could use clear connectors to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, making it easy to follow your arguments from introduction to conclusion. Both the introduction and conclusion effectively frame the central idea of prioritizing government spending.
task achievement
You support your argument with specific and relevant examples, such as the situation in Bangkok. This helps illustrate your points clearly and strengthens your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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