IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Studies have shown that unemployment has a bad effect on both the physical and mental health of people without a job. For this reason, governments need to create jobs for everyone who wants one. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#studies #unemployment #effect #health #people #job #reason #governments #jobs
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A former US president once said something to the effect that
government
 for the
people
, of the
people
, by the
people
, i.e.,
government
, per se, is a fundamental system to maintain and ensure the nation's life, including economy and health.
Although
 the answer varies from person to person, depending on the value systems or countries, I totally agree with the statement for two reasons. First and foremost, creating job opportunities for everyone makes it possible to achieve a good financial result.
For example
, Japan, one of the largest GDPs in the world, focused on the car industry after the World War.
This
 policy increased employment effectively, and
as a result
, many workers earned money to maintain their lives, ranging from housing to food.
Additionally
,
this
 movement has led Japan to become the biggest economic country.
Secondly
, I believe that the
government
 should be responsible for
people
's health by introducing workplaces where we want to work. In Japan, the primary reason for unemployment is bad relationships with others in the workplace
due to
 an unfair attitude of their supervisors, lasting negative impact and memory even if quitting the job.
Therefore
, the
government
 must create a law that can prohibit
this
 action to relieve workers' stress. In conclusion, unemployment is harmful to our health, both mentally and physically. In
this
 essay, I picked up two reasons: creating a new industry and introducing a new law that can improve the workplace to maintain
people
's lives. Since the
government
 is a fundamental body that ensures and pursues the nation's profit, it must create job opportunities in which everyone wants to work.
Submitted by hide8335 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
The essay provides a well-rounded argument but could benefit from stronger connections between ideas, especially in the first body paragraph.
Task Achievement
Although relevant examples are included, further development and diversification of examples could strengthen your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction sets a clear background and thesis statement for the essay.
Task Achievement
Main points are well-supported with specific examples and logical reasoning.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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