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Band 3.5

Nowadays some buildings such as offices and school have open space design instead of separate rooms . Why it is so ?Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

#buildings #offices #school #space #design #rooms #development
Recently, formal buildings like offices and schools prefer having open space design compared to divided rooms.
This
 trend may come from the epidemic traumas where closed and small rooms were
disadvantagous
Correct your spelling
disadvantageous
. I think
this
 development is
also
 good
to increase
Change preposition
for increasing
show examples
 social interactions in
this
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
modern life.
People
 started to renovate offices and educational spaces
Change preposition
after when
show examples
when
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 global outbreak of
covid
Correct your spelling
COVID-19
.-19 happened. Closed
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 were refurbished so that
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 would have better air circulation and get better exposure
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 direct sunlight.
This
 new interior approach would be beneficial for preventing
people
 in the same area from
contaminated
Add a missing verb
being contaminated
show examples
 by communicable diseases,
such
 as influenza.
Independent
Correct article usage
An Independent
show examples
 study from South Korea reported that buildings with wider areas and more exposure to natural air will lower
screen
Correct article usage
the screen
show examples
 time
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the
people
 staying there
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because the design encourages them to socialize with each other.
People
 in
this
 modern life
Add a missing verb
are oftenly
show examples
oftenly
Correct your spelling
often
 occupied with their smartphones,
then
 complaining of feeling lonely when actually their actions deviate themselves from having real interactions. Governments in several countries tackled
this
 issue by providing more open spaces
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in big cities. In conclusion,
this
 shifting trend in architecture is a good thing to continue. The changes it brings will offer a better life in the future
as well as
 preventing future health problems
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively but could benefit from deeper development of ideas. Expand on how the open space design specifically impacts social interactions and health, providing more examples or studies.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by clearly linking ideas within paragraphs. For instance, explain more explicitly how the redesign during the pandemic relates to broader social trends. Using more transition phrases will help.
language accuracy
Be careful of grammar and punctuation errors (e.g., "oftenly" should be "often" and "communicated" should be "communicable"). Also, some sentences could be better structured to improve readability.
task achievement
The introduction sets up the topic well and provides a clear thesis statement.
relevant examples
The essay uses examples such as the COVID-19 pandemic and a study from South Korea to support its points, which makes the argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly wraps up the essay, reiterating the main points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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