Nowadays some buildings such as offices and school have open space design instead of separate rooms . Why it is so ?Do you think it is a positive or negative development?
Recently, formal buildings like offices and schools prefer having open space design compared to divided rooms.
This
trend may come from the epidemic traumas where closed and small rooms were disadvantagous
. I think Correct your spelling
disadvantageous
this
development is also
good to increase
social interactions in Change preposition
for increasing
this
modern life.
Correct determiner usage
apply
People
started to renovate offices and educational spaces Change preposition
after when
when
global outbreak of Correct your spelling
the
covid
.-19 happened. Closed Correct your spelling
COVID-19
area
were refurbished so that Fix the agreement mistake
areas
it
would have better air circulation and get better exposure Correct pronoun usage
they
of
direct sunlight. Change preposition
to
This
new interior approach would be beneficial for preventing people
in the same area from contaminated
by communicable diseases, Add a missing verb
being contaminated
such
as influenza.
Independent
study from South Korea reported that buildings with wider areas and more exposure to natural air will lower Correct article usage
An Independent
screen
time Correct article usage
the screen
of
the Change preposition
for
people
staying there,
because the design encourages them to socialize with each other. Remove the comma
apply
People
in this
modern life Add a missing verb
are oftenly
oftenly
occupied with their smartphones, Correct your spelling
often
then
complaining of feeling lonely when actually their actions deviate themselves from having real interactions. Governments in several countries tackled this
issue by providing more open spaces especially
in big cities.
In conclusion, Add the comma(s)
, especially
this
shifting trend in architecture is a good thing to continue. The changes it brings will offer a better life in the future as well as
preventing future health problemsSubmitted by ru.kabiru.biru on
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task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively but could benefit from deeper development of ideas. Expand on how the open space design specifically impacts social interactions and health, providing more examples or studies.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by clearly linking ideas within paragraphs. For instance, explain more explicitly how the redesign during the pandemic relates to broader social trends. Using more transition phrases will help.
language accuracy
Be careful of grammar and punctuation errors (e.g., "oftenly" should be "often" and "communicated" should be "communicable"). Also, some sentences could be better structured to improve readability.
task achievement
The introduction sets up the topic well and provides a clear thesis statement.
relevant examples
The essay uses examples such as the COVID-19 pandemic and a study from South Korea to support its points, which makes the argument more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion succinctly wraps up the essay, reiterating the main points effectively.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.