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Band 4.5

In many countries teenagers are encouraged to do part-time jobs. What is the situation like in your country? What do you think are the advantages and disadvantages of doing part-time jobs?

#countries #teenagers #jobs #situation #country
Since life started, individuals have sought to live in an excellent environment, but they had no idea how
this
world
 would be formed .
However
, the crucial factors that lead to these conditions are the variety in culture, religion and morality
as well as
 multiple
languages
. So , to reach
this
 goal people must agree with the minimum criteria of common values and establish a global
language
. On
one
 hand, the first issue leading to disagreement is that every country has
own
Correct pronoun usage
its own
show examples
 beliefs.if we look around the earth, we notice that each state
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 its own way of living and sometimes even in
one
 land there are lots of various social life.second, another reason for disagreement is that every community have its own way of speech.
For example
, there
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 more than 250
languages
 around the
world
 ;for
this
,
absence
Correct article usage
the absence
show examples
 of common features in the universal is a natural result because they do have a not common
language
 to contact each other.
One
 of the best ways to tackle
this
 issue is to determine common values.
This
 process is done by making international agreements and regulations;
although
, today there are a lot of international laws we need to activate them to become more effective. sequences, we need to formula
one
language
 and combat the several existing
languages
 around the
world
. The English
language
 now is the global
language
 between nations, unfortunately,
this
 is only at the official level , we need to admit
this
 at the social level and completely by encouraging people to understand
one
language
 and communicate between them and
this
 is done through social media and laws.
To Sum up
, people
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
aim to enjoy
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
one
 land
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 calm and reassurance. So , the number of different cultures and
languages
 may resist them ;
as a result
, we need to solve
this
 through social media and regulations. I hope in the near future the
world
 have
one
language
 and values
Submitted by mohammedelhassan811 on

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task achievement
You should focus on clearly understanding the prompt. The essay subject is about teenagers doing part-time jobs, yet your essay discusses the idea of individuals seeking common ground in terms of culture, language, and religion. Make sure to adhere to the given topic.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing your ideas more logically. The essay takes a broad and somewhat disconnected approach to addressing the issues. Tighten the focus and ensure each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and explanations for your points. The essay has general ideas but lacks supporting details to make your argument convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph presents a clear idea and supports that idea effectively. Your points on common values and a global language need more detailed development and stronger support.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction that sets up the subject and a conclusion that summarizes your main points.
task achievement
Your writing demonstrates an ability to discuss complex ideas and presents a broad view of cultural and linguistic diversity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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