IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#celebrities #glamour #wealth #achievements #sets #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Currently, money and appearance lead to making celebrities more famous compared to their accomplishments. I agree with
this
 statement they have got bad influence on
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
show examples
 generation but in some cases, they could be helpful to them. On the one hand, some kind of famous individuals reached great success without hard
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
. They might be born
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a wealthy family, some married a famous or rich person. To take an example, Mr Beast is a blogger who has a rich and famous family
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and has a big influence on YouTube platforms and social media. He spent and gave a lot of money to win the challenge, and at the same time, there was a big compilation among subscribers.
On the other hand
, there are many celebrities who make remarkable role models for the young generation. Musicians, actors and sports stars become famous idols because worked hard and applied themselves to develop real skills and abilities. An example is the sportsman and championship leader Max Verstappen, who 4-time champion and won lots of goblets in a short time of career through years of practice and hard work. He is a "Formula 1" driver who can inspire your generation to improve their talents through supplement and insistence. In conclusion, many celebrities are famous for their beauty and way of living only because of that they show off their lifestyle on social media.
However
, those who follow them get affected by their wealth and get to know more because of those things rather than personal achievement.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure each idea is fully expanded and explained. Currently, some points are introduced but not fully developed.
coherence cohesion
Work on sentence structure and grammar to make them more varied and complex, enhancing clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Try to use more varied linking words and phrases to enhance cohesion between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
Make sure to address counterarguments clearly to show a balanced discussion and consider multiple perspectives.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to support the main points, aiding reader understanding.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: