IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays celebrities are more famous for their glamour and wealth than for their achievements, and this sets a bad example to young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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In today’s world,
people
Use synonyms
 often gain fame more for their glamour and wealth than their achievements, and
this
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 is a bad example for the young generation. In my view,
this
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 can be both good and bad for young
people
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 and in
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will provide reasons
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 my point. There are many reasons why becoming famous for wealth is negative.
People
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 think that they can be famous for only having a luxurious lifestyle. Many celebrities have huge amounts of
money
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 which they inherited from their parents or other family members.
Additionally
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, they spend
money
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 on their entertainment expenses or other frivolous activities
such
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 as attending nightclubs or events where
people
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 often behave irresponsibly.
Then
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, it is possible that young
people
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 think that owning
money
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 is all about having entertainment with
those kind
Change the determiner
that kind
those kinds
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 of
people
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 and places. Young adults may want to have
money
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 to live like them
instead
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 of doing something useful
such
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 as schoolwork or other useful investments.
For example
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, in Uzbekistan, there are many famous
people
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 who have a bad impact on younger generations. They often show off their materialistic qualities to others
instead
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 of their achievements.
As a
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result
Add a comma
result,
show examples
people
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 tend to be interested in only having
money
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 not achieving success in life.
However
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, there are other famous
people
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 who can inspire young ones to achieve success. By investing
education
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in education
show examples
 and improving talents they can inspire them. Some celebrities are famous for their achievements and talents.
For example
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, in Uzbekistan, famous
people
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such
Linking Words
 as Muhammad Ali Eshonqulov
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a great impact on
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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. By focusing on education, he leads younger students to study and improve themselves by learning more about technology. He is well respected in Uzbekistan
by
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for
show examples
 his inspiring works. He is rich
also
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 and he invests
money
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on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 education to support youth development. He has many businesses like “Yuksalish
academy
Capitalize word
Academy
show examples
” and schools which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 very successful and
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 developing well. In conclusion, being famous can be good and bad. It is about
people
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 who are famous and what they focus on to be famous. Some
people
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 are leading youngsters to be successful and improving skills and talents
while
Linking Words
 others have
negative
Add an article
a negative
show examples
 impact on others by wasting time and
money
Use synonyms
 on useless activities.

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task achievement
Include more specific examples with detailed explanations to enhance your argumentation, especially for the claim about celebrities having a positive influence.
task achievement
Try to maintain a balanced view throughout the essay, ensuring each side of the argument is equally developed.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets the stage for the discussion by acknowledging both sides of the argument.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure and transitions between ideas are mostly clear, making it easy to follow your arguments.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion successfully summarizes your arguments and reiterates your balanced perspective on the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • glamour
  • wealth
  • achievements
  • portrayed
  • overshadow
  • influenced
  • lifestyles
  • unrealistic
  • expectations
  • values
  • promoting
  • hard work
  • perseverance
  • inspire
  • positive impact
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