Nowadays many scientists and tourists would like to travel to remote natural environments, such as the South Pole. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?
Some scientists and those who like to travel rather prefer to visit
oversea
natural fields, Correct your spelling
overseas
such
as South
Pole. Correct article usage
the South
However
, traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
such
lands most likely be more dangerous than any other Change preposition
to such
due to
the fact that nature is untamed by itself. On the other hand
, experiencing the unknown and seeing the unseen are two feelings which can not be felt without exploring. It is agreed that it is quite unnessary
, risky and unworthy in every way.
Correct your spelling
unnecessary
Firstly
, exploring and finding out are essential for enhancing the
knowledge, science and Correct article usage
apply
researches
. Fix the agreement mistake
research
Also
, travellers who had
already toured the world do not have anywhere to travel but extreme places. Wrong verb form
have
Moreover
, having a high budget can reduce the possibility of dangering your life with expensive equipments
or safety gadgets. Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
For example
, researchers found out
a new living creature South Pole and safely returned their home with the help of Change preposition
apply
government
years ago.
Correct article usage
the government
Secondly
, it is the
matter of life and Correct article usage
a
death
, no matter how important is the subject or how curious the scientists are. Furthermore
, it is one
Correct determiner usage
a
time
only and not repeatable as a vacation or a journey. Even though having a high budget, the risk of Correct your spelling
one-time
death
and freezing will not be zero anyway. Traveling
Change the spelling
Travelling
Change preposition
to these
these kind
of places Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
are
neither wise nor worthy enough to spend Correct subject-verb agreement
is
such
big budgets. For instance
, a group of scientists are frozen to death
while
doing research Change preposition
at
in
Change preposition
at
South
Pole.
To summarize, Correct article usage
the South
government
should not get rid of travelling Add an article
the government
Change preposition
to extreme
extreme
conditional places Change the word
extremely
compeletely
to continue gaining data but it should not be just for fun and journey or vacation Correct your spelling
completely
due to
the high risk of death
or injury caused by the extreme conditions.Submitted by sonatakcaa on
Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
coherence cohesion
The essay needs to have clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments. Each idea should be clearly introduced and sufficiently developed. Consider starting each paragraph with a clear main idea before diving into examples and details.
task achievement
While you have included examples, make sure they directly support the point you're making. The example about researchers finding a new living creature could be more directly tied to your argument about safety and budget reducing risks.
task achievement
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This can also help in making your essay clearer and more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Improve grammatical accuracy and sentence structures. Some sentences are a bit awkward and could be clearer with better grammar and word choice. For example, 'traveling such lands most likely be more dangerous than any other' could be 'traveling to such places is likely to be more dangerous than any other.'
coherence cohesion
Ensure that your conclusion directly reflects the arguments made in your body paragraphs, briefly summarizing them and reinforcing your stance on the issue.
task achievement
Your essay introduces the topic well and states a clear opinion.
task achievement
You present balanced arguments, recognizing the potential benefits and risks of traveling to remote natural environments.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, is well-organized.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?