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Band 5.5

Many people who care for the elderly do not have enough time to look after themselves.

#people #care #time
Taking care of elder
people
 has led to neglecting other
chores
 and
stress
. These problems are attributable to the lack of
time
 and the gap of generation but can be addressed by
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
conducive management of schedule and being identified with their circumstances. The underlying root of abandoning their jobs is the shortage of
time
. Despite the overload of
chores
, younger
people
 dedicate
time
 to looking after the elderly.
This
 situation leads to
people
 having no
time
 for themselves.
As a consequence
, their own work will be postponed causing the decline of sufficiency.
This
 is true in Vietnam, where most
people
 always ask for long
day-off
Correct your spelling
days off
show examples
 so as to nurture their older ones.
In addition
,
stress
 is another problem worth considering. The reason behind
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
show examples
 the disparity between
two
Correct article usage
the two
show examples
 generations.
In other words
, today's youth have a big difference in emotion, attitude and viewpoints
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the elderly so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
when they take care of another one without devotion, causing
unpleasantness
Replace the word
unpleasant
show examples
.
Therefore
, the longer it accumulates, it will lead to
stress
 and even have a serious impact on health.
Many
Replace the quantifier
Much
show examples
 scientific research
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 proved that the trouble of homecare for the elderly is
gap
Correct article usage
a gap
show examples
 generation.
However
, there are two sought-after solutions
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 these problems.
Firstly
, young
people
 should set up a conducive schedule among their own
chores
 and
homecare
Correct your spelling
home care
show examples
. In
this
 high-tech era,
people
 need to manage their
time
 in order to not only complete
each thing
Correct your spelling
everything
show examples
 easily but
also
 be able to take care of the elderly entirely.
Secondly
, younger
people
 have better
to sympathize
Wrong verb form
sympathy
show examples
 with older
people
 who are inability to work. Looking after someone becomes happiness, on the condition that you can grasp their circumstances and share joys with each other.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientific research
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 proved that
people
 can relieve depression by Dopamine hormones when they feel pleasure. Taking everything into account,
homecare
Correct your spelling
home care
show examples
 for the elderly has led to neglecting other
chores
 and
stress
.
However
, we can manage
time
 and sympathize with them to tackle these problems.
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task achievement
Expand on your introduction to provide a clearer overview of the main points you will discuss.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on your ideas to make them clearer and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the passage between paragraphs is smooth to improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
You have identified the main problems and solutions clearly.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points discussed.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • burnout
  • neglect
  • emotional distress
  • social interaction
  • mental stimulation
  • financial costs
  • community care services
  • respite care
  • telehealth services
  • flexible work arrangements
  • caregiver leave policies
  • support networks
  • emotional support
  • monitoring systems
  • training programs
  • interpersonal strain
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