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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the numbers of men and women attending various evening courses at an adult education centre in the year 2009. The pie chart gives information about the ages of these course participants. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar
chart
Use synonyms
 and pie
chart
Use synonyms
compares
Correct subject-verb agreement
compare
show examples
between
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the rate of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 who
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
show examples
many evening programmes education which an education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
during
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2009
in addition
Linking Words
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 information
around
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the older of these
courses
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
depict
Replace the word
depiction
show examples
chart
Use synonyms
 shows 4 types of
courses
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
namely drama , painting , sculpture and language
moreover
Linking Words
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of languages
Change preposition
among female
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 was the highest
number
Use synonyms
in contrast
Linking Words
 the rate of sculpture
Change preposition
among woman
show examples
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
show examples
 was the lowest rate .
While
Linking Words
 the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 the largest
number
Use synonyms
 was above 50 years
whereas
Linking Words
 the lowest per cent was under 20 years . First of all , in the
chart
Use synonyms
Add a comma
,
show examples
the women
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 double
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
than
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
men who attended drama
courses
Use synonyms
.
Change preposition
For painting
show examples
Painting
Change preposition
For painting
show examples
courses
Use synonyms
Change preposition
for woman's
show examples
Change preposition
for woman's
show examples
woman's
Fix the agreement mistake
women's
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
30
while
Linking Words
 the painting
courses
Use synonyms
Change preposition
for men's
show examples
Change preposition
for men's
show examples
Change noun form
men
show examples
men's
Change noun form
men
show examples
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 approximately 25
number
Use synonyms
then
Linking Words
 there
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
suddenly
Correct article usage
a downward
show examples
downward
Correct article usage
a downward
show examples
 which women and men
Change preposition
in
show examples
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 evening
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
course
Fix the agreement mistake
courses
show examples
 after that the women who
attend
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
courses
Use synonyms
 language
was reach
Change the verb form
reached
show examples
 to top
number
Use synonyms
 it
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
double
Change the article
a double
the double
show examples
number
Use synonyms
Change preposition
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mela
Add an article
the mela
show examples
 .

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, courses, number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 5 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • attendance
  • adult education centre
  • participants
  • demographics
  • evening courses
  • language course
  • art course
  • participation rates
  • gender distribution
  • age group
  • main features
  • comparisons
  • summarise
  • highlight
  • analyze
  • popularity
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